Hi.  About a month ago, I read about a 66-year old woman who was on a Continental flight to Hawaii.  She was resting comfortably, enjoying the in-flight movie (i’m sure it was Marley & Me), until 28-year old Jerome Kingzio decided to get up and piss all over her.  Let’s not mince words, he hosed her down.  Police say he had been drinking.   Awesome.

Following the golden shower, the woman said that her entire vacation was ruined.  The FBI (yes, the FBI) said they would investigate.   Jerome was charged with assault and given jail time.

Why would the FBI need to investigate?  If this is FBI jurisdiction, then i’m SCREWED.  I’d like to dedicate this next space to apologize to the following people, and ask that you don’t press charges:

-to the house on my paper route that I threw my poop at, when they didn’t give me a christmas tip

-to my wife and dog, for peeing on my bedroom floor at 4am after my birthday(during one hell of a dream, apparently), while they awoke and watched in bewilderment and amazement

-to the old movie theater in the mall, for secretly urinating in a cup during a theater viewing of Hellraiser 4: Bloodline, and also for doing the same at the Plaza during Jeanne Claude Van Damme’s The Quest.  I then left the cup(s) on the floor.  Shame.

Allow me to tell you what REALLY happened here:  The woman was obviously in the aisle seat.  Jerome probably asked her three times to get up so he could walk back to the bathroom and cram into that bathroom crawlspace that couples seem to like getting away with fucking in.  However, since the woman ignored him and kept her headphones on with her large blanket cover, Jerome decided that he wouldn’t let this opportunity go to waste to show her just how poor her decision-making skills were.  As the piss splashed against her face, it probably took her back to the early years, when she often peed on other men to pay for college.

She went to her hotel room and showered (of course), then called all her friends laughing, saying “oh my god, you’ll never believe what happened LOL, i got peed on by some drunk guy!!”    Then she spent the next few days drinking Tequila and enjoying the rest of the time she had on the beaches, while Jerome met a spiked dildo named Bubba.

What really scares me:  I read a news blog that feces and urine might be the next step in terrorism, due to the lack of weapons they can smuggle on board.  So……urine is effective in combat, ultimately.  Really?  REALLY?  Gandhi could have just shit in a jar every day and surrounded the British Embassy with them, instead of doing all the unnecessary hunger strikes.   Now THAT’S civil disobedience….

I wish the media would really think things out before saying things like this to the public, because now Homeland Security will get us to buy more duct tape for the piss-flu outbreak that apparently is ready to cross our shores….because we are dumb.