No, seriously.
He called me the other day, and told me to get the movie JCVD from Netflix. He went off for about three minutes about how great of a movie it was. In August’s defense, JCVD really is a good movie, and you really ought to check it out. It’s a well-written, well-executed movie, and easily the best thing that Van Damme has put out since Universal Soldier. However, this isn’t a blog about the movie. I can’t do that — that’s Joe’s job. This is a blog about August’s reaction to the movie, which led me to conclude that August has no penis.
When he was telling me about the movie, he told me “I cried. Tears were flowing down my face. It’s…ooogh…”
At this point I felt a terrible pain eating at me. My friend was in dire need of help, and I was hundreds of miles away.
“I only have one request Coons,” he tells me.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“Watch it alone.”
“Okaaaaaaay…” I tell him with hesitation.
So I added it to my queue, and watched it. It made August cry. I invite the reader to take a bite of sherbet, like a pretentious rich person, to cleanse their pallet and swish that last sentence around in their mouths to savor its many flavors.
August cried during a Van Damme movie.
I haven’t cried since 1996, when Rob Liefeld was granted complete creative control of Captain America. I’ve had a lump in my throat a few times since then, like during my dad’s funeral, when I used to tell this one story you haven’t earned yet, and at the end of A.I. However, the next morning, I woke up, looked out the window and said “Space aliens? Really?” and never thought of that movie again.
Holy shit, August cried during a Van Damme movie. He has no penis. He must have a Lee Press-On Schlong that he bought at the Halloween store, which he affixes to his nether-region with spirit gum in order to service his wife.
I’m trying to assemble the events of the night in question in my head.
After having a good long cry, he must have went to the bathroom and meticulously lit three hundred candles, making the place look like some lame adult contemporary music video, and used $60 worth of scented soaps and oils to take a four hour-long bubble bath. In this time, he then consumed a bottle of red wine, and masturbated with the detachable shower head.
After his bath, August then put on flannel pajamas, sat in front of the mirror in his bedroom, and brushed what precious little remains of his natural, living, breathing hair one hundred times with a stiff-bristled brush. Then, August climbed under his 186,000 blankets and fell fast asleep.
This had to have been what happened.
Crying during a Van Damme movie! Fuck! This is a serious misstep — he must atone, and I can’t help him because I don’t know any Level 7 Clerics.
May 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
This is indeed a disturbing universe. Something must be done! Perhaps we need to dream up some horrific trials for him to go through to regain his honor.
May 16th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I said that tears were beginning to well in my eyes, i wasn’t actually crying…. wait, that’s still bad i suppose. Wait… come on, who cries over Captain America? Tears shed over Liefeld? i’m surprised all your chest and pubic hair didn’t all fall out at once.
If I have no penis, then i shudder to think of what i’ve been using all along to penetrate your mom’s and sister’s various orifaces.
I would like to let the record also show (too much to record here) of all the extremely manly things i’ve done in my lifetime, above and beyond what most men will dream. One instance of sentimental or emotional response should not negate what i will consider a rather healthy and blood-filled member. Coons: sit and spin on the middle finger……..
May 17th, 2009 at 1:53 am
You had a lump in your throat at the end of A.I.? I had only one thing on my mind at the end of A.I.: where did the last hours of my life go, and how can I get them back? I’m shocked and saddened that you were emotionally affected by that movie. I thought you were better than that.
May 17th, 2009 at 4:06 am
August, tears were not shed over Liefeld. Tears were shed BECAUSE of Liefeld. No one will cry for Liefeld. No one likes Liefeld, except for Jesus, but that’s only because he has too.
Kat, it was before I met you, I was a different man then. A girl was involved, and it’s a long story. Van Damme was not involved, therefore throat-lumping is acceptable, unlike Darren, who spontaneously cried like a menstruating woman. Even then, I realized that movie was bullshit the next day, and was good for the next five years.
HE CRIED DURING A VAN DAMME MOVIE. Bringing me into this is like trying a jaywalker at Nuremberg.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:02 am
I don’t even know what to say, obviously i have to run out and rent this movie, but I am gonna assume its a mindless action flick. In which case, why would someone cry! Furthermore i’ve seen just about every Van Damme film (save a few of the recent ones i haven’t heard of yet), but i never saw any reason to cry!
May 21st, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I think Liefield should permanently have creative control of captain america in all his media forms! After all he has such an illustrious career and his talent is so exemplified by the included image. He truly is a master of proportion and he draws hands and feet really well too.
And I don’t think Jesus likes him, I’m pretty sure he’s the work of Lucifer.
Oh yeah, August is two tits and a tampon away from being a swollen sandy vagina.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Whatever, who cares what makes you emotional, thats what makes us humans not vulcans right? Ever think that it wasn’t just the movie but that the movie resonated with him (him right?) at that specific time? Come on, stop being so high and mighty, you aren’t tough cuz you don’t let yourself cry much.
I bet I can make you cry Ryan!