As I sat there talking to Joe about my research, I saw this off-white rumbling steel cube inching towards me.
Eventually I saw that it was being pushed by a petite brunette woman, 1/17th the volume of the cube, putting all of her weight into the cube to get it to move inches per second. X-ray Chick was machined from a single block of steel, with a nurse’s uniform heat shrunk on to her. I could have bounced quarters off of any part of her person. She was probably so fit because she had to push the x-ray machine around all day, kind of like Conan the Barbarian. She wore no rings, and thus, she was a legal target.
Clearly, I had to bed this woman. I would be a crime not too.
“Hey, I’m here to take a few x-rays, it won’t be long,” she tells me.
“Yay! High-energy photons!” I cheer. She smiled. Being a physicist and nuclear engineer, I occasionally with x-rays, so I know exactly what they do. Still, I hadn’t got my hormesis in a while, so it wasn’t that bad.
Apparently, the doctors didn’t think I could make to the x-ray room, partially because I was a shoutin’ shirtless karate ape-man on drugs. Instead, they brought the x-ray room to me.
At the speed of thought, X-Ray Chick threw some levers and the cube deployed into a complete x-ray lab, like something from Command & Conquer. It seemed familiar to me, for some reason.
She came back with a leaden washcloth to cover my penis and testicles.
“Thanks, I need that,” I told her.
She smiled and threw some switches. A small box lit up, except for the black crosshair-pattern on the front. As she aims the shadow of the crosshairs on my shoulder, I remember where I’ve seen this machine:
“Dude! It’s like 70’s Hulk!” I shout to Joe.
I know how radiation works, but deep down, even though its foolish, and irrational, there will always live a little part of me that thinks this:
…and says. “Yes. Hell yes. This.”
Because of this simple joy, the first x-ray went off without a hitch. The second, not so much.
“Now, I know you’re going to hate me for this…” said X-Ray Chick.
“I need for you to go like this…” she told me, as she performed the communist solidarity fist gesture, “…and then rest your elbow on this sponge.”
“Yeah, ok,” I tell her. I moved my arm to the desired position very slowly, because I did not have a functioning skeleton at the time. It was fairly excruciating; but I knew I had to play it cool to be able to score a slice of this righteous meow.
“Hey Coons! You’re sponge-worthy!” shouts Joe and she inserts the sponge to support my arm.
X-Ray Chick looks up in horror and disgust, for the jig, much like my girthy schlong, was up. To add insult to my injury, Joe used his camera phone to preserve this moment for all time:
Ever have a raging hard-on while wearing your athletic cup? Don’t. Just don’t.
So after dislocating my shoulder, putting a damper on my birthday and vacation, as well as having me pay to get stabbed, Joe fuckin’ cockblocks me. Amazing.
She was mostly silent after that, but managed to produce some wicked-grotundous images: