I’ve seen a lot of movies in my 32-year tenure on Earth. I believe that i’ve viewed enough of all tastes and watchability to have a compass of what is good and what isn’t.

Boondock Saints is not good. It’s not even worthy to be shit. It’s the mold that grows on my dog’s shit after sitting in the bucket for a week.

But first, I digress.
Years ago, I worked at Media Play in the video dept., as well as at Suncoast Video in the mall…… and Blockbuster Video. Oh, and also Video U.S.A. (you can see the pattern of my high school and college employment). During my time at all these places, all these idiots kept coming up to me asking me about Boondock Saints. At the time, it was unavailable, so i had to turn them away. But TONS of people were asking for it, whether or not i could special order it, and when it might come out. I became intrigued. After college, I got a teaching job, and thus, forgot about Boondock Saints (we’ll call it BS, appropriately, from here on).

Some time ago, it was finally released on DVD to the masses. To say that this movie was built up for me over time was an understatement.

Years later, during a recent trip to Maryland last summer, my friend Eric sat me down to watch BS. As I watched it, i felt my hemorrhoids burst while my testicles crawled up into my bladder. I’M SAYING IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. I felt embarrassed for all the people that had to walk out of the theater after watching it. For the first time, I wished I had grown up in an indigenous third-world nation……because then i wouldn’t have had to watch this piece of shit. I’d rather fight tapeworm than watch that movie again. It was a big ball of cliche that had no purpose. Guns! Shooting people! We’re Irish Catholic! Let’s say an Our Father in a church before killing 30 people so we look cool! Let’s misrepresent every good dark drama movie ever made! The characters made Catholics look worse than perverted priests. It took place on the “mean streets” of Boston, making me ashamed for the first time of being a Red Sox fan.

It features an “all-star cast” of no-names and shouldn’t-be-names like Billy Connolly (yes, the Irish comedian from Head of the Class). I pray for dysentery when I see this picture:

IT MADE NO SENSE. It looked like a film directed by that frat guy you knew that watched Fight Club without really UNDERSTANDING what Fight Club was really about. It’s the guy that had a Scarface poster on his wall, forgetting the FALL part of the “rise-and-fall” movie. A guy that watched Pulp Fiction without really GETTING Pulp Fiction’s incredible dialogue, instead re-imagining the characters in a Matrix movie. It was very hard to sit through.

Now……. i’m friends with Coons, and he’s sat me down to watch pretty horrible movies: e.g. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Hard Rock Zombies (featuring Hitler). I can tell movies that are schlock (like, they know they’re bad and don’t take themselves seriously). This movie tries hard to NOT SUCK, making it suck all the more. I’m going to go one step further and say that Boondock Saints is even worse than Intercessor: Another Rock and Roll Nightmare (only because i had to stop that movie 20 minutes in, and i can’t judge a film i didn’t finish).

I thought I was some crazy person for hating this movie. Was it because of the build up? Was it a hype machine? Why was I the only person that didn’t jerk off to this movie? THEN I went online, and realized that only retarded people liked The Boondock Saints. I breathed a sigh of relief once I realized that the rest of the sane world agreed with me.

If you REALLY want some more evidence of what a douchebag the director is: watch this film NOW on netflix streaming:

That’s right. They actually made a documentary film on what a horrible human being the director is, and what a talentless piece of shit he always was.

I thought i was safe. I thought it was over, and Troy Duffy was done making movies, but then I saw this movie poster and now i have to reopen the wounds………this movie came out this weekend. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few weeks ago, a bunch of the Non-Theist Society and I packed up the ol’ SuperFunAdventureBus with magic and good times and trekked through the pre-apocalyptic wastelands to Bloomington, IN, to the see the famed evolutionary biologist, popular author, and rabble-rouser Richard Dawkins speak as part of his international book-signing and lecture tour. During the question-and-answer session which followed, My friend Jen, the BlagHag, asked Prof. Dawkins:

“I had the misfortune of visiting the Creation Museum this summer. While there were many scary things there, the scariest was how it was full of children. When you see kids like this or those who are home schooled or going to religious school, they’re effectively being brainwashed. Is there anything we can do to teach them science, or are they a lost cause?”

This sent Dawkins into a stirring diatribe, but he never explicitly answered Jen’s question. He’s human, and he doesn’t have all the answers, and I’m sure if he knew how to reach those …well, lost souls, he’d already be doing that. It’s hard for us, because we have no default person or think to consult with our problems, we have to be crafty enough to solve each problem as it arises and to have the strength to look within ourselves to find the answers. Fortunately, I have both and have taken the liberty of solving this problem.

To reach the deceived youngsters, Richard Dawkins must undergo either DNA splicing, the Fusion Dance, or the unholy powers of the Necronomicon to combine all of his powers and abilities with those of 80’s metal legend Don Dokken, to form Richard Dokkens, who must then go on tour. The mind-bending awesome that would ensue would permeate through every strata of society, exposing everyone to the Gospel of…well, no one really. For those who doubt the feasibility of this plan, I present, in evidence, the last half of Dokken’s “Dream Warriors”:

Now, take that, and multiply it by an integer greater than one. That is the power that Richard Dokkens would command. The only fault in this cunning plan is that the human mind would not be able to process awesome of this magnitude, so we may have to delay this until after the Kurzweilian Singularity. I’m doing my part with that, so to all the genetic engineers, ascended Sayians, and Kandarian translators out there: the ball is in your court.