I’ve seen a lot of movies in my 32-year tenure on Earth. I believe that i’ve viewed enough of all tastes and watchability to have a compass of what is good and what isn’t.
Boondock Saints is not good. It’s not even worthy to be shit. It’s the mold that grows on my dog’s shit after sitting in the bucket for a week.
But first, I digress.
Years ago, I worked at Media Play in the video dept., as well as at Suncoast Video in the mall…… and Blockbuster Video. Oh, and also Video U.S.A. (you can see the pattern of my high school and college employment). During my time at all these places, all these idiots kept coming up to me asking me about Boondock Saints. At the time, it was unavailable, so i had to turn them away. But TONS of people were asking for it, whether or not i could special order it, and when it might come out. I became intrigued. After college, I got a teaching job, and thus, forgot about Boondock Saints (we’ll call it BS, appropriately, from here on).
Some time ago, it was finally released on DVD to the masses. To say that this movie was built up for me over time was an understatement.
Years later, during a recent trip to Maryland last summer, my friend Eric sat me down to watch BS. As I watched it, i felt my hemorrhoids burst while my testicles crawled up into my bladder. I’M SAYING IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. I felt embarrassed for all the people that had to walk out of the theater after watching it. For the first time, I wished I had grown up in an indigenous third-world nation……because then i wouldn’t have had to watch this piece of shit. I’d rather fight tapeworm than watch that movie again. It was a big ball of cliche that had no purpose. Guns! Shooting people! We’re Irish Catholic! Let’s say an Our Father in a church before killing 30 people so we look cool! Let’s misrepresent every good dark drama movie ever made! The characters made Catholics look worse than perverted priests. It took place on the “mean streets” of Boston, making me ashamed for the first time of being a Red Sox fan.
It features an “all-star cast” of no-names and shouldn’t-be-names like Billy Connolly (yes, the Irish comedian from Head of the Class). I pray for dysentery when I see this picture:
IT MADE NO SENSE. It looked like a film directed by that frat guy you knew that watched Fight Club without really UNDERSTANDING what Fight Club was really about. It’s the guy that had a Scarface poster on his wall, forgetting the FALL part of the “rise-and-fall” movie. A guy that watched Pulp Fiction without really GETTING Pulp Fiction’s incredible dialogue, instead re-imagining the characters in a Matrix movie. It was very hard to sit through.
Now……. i’m friends with Coons, and he’s sat me down to watch pretty horrible movies: e.g. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Hard Rock Zombies (featuring Hitler). I can tell movies that are schlock (like, they know they’re bad and don’t take themselves seriously). This movie tries hard to NOT SUCK, making it suck all the more. I’m going to go one step further and say that Boondock Saints is even worse than Intercessor: Another Rock and Roll Nightmare (only because i had to stop that movie 20 minutes in, and i can’t judge a film i didn’t finish).
I thought I was some crazy person for hating this movie. Was it because of the build up? Was it a hype machine? Why was I the only person that didn’t jerk off to this movie? THEN I went online, and realized that only retarded people liked The Boondock Saints. I breathed a sigh of relief once I realized that the rest of the sane world agreed with me.
If you REALLY want some more evidence of what a douchebag the director is: watch this film NOW on netflix streaming:
That’s right. They actually made a documentary film on what a horrible human being the director is, and what a talentless piece of shit he always was.
I thought i was safe. I thought it was over, and Troy Duffy was done making movies, but then I saw this movie poster and now i have to reopen the wounds………this movie came out this weekend. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Steve says to me today: “so…my wife and i are retarded?”, to which i answered: “yes”
November 5th, 2009 at 2:30 am
nothing is worse then the original Wicker Man… NOTHING!!!
November 19th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Why did you go see the new one twice?
April 18th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
once moreanother happy person who reads. Very beneficial. But I do agree with dude – not all rightif ill spend too much time on this??
May 1st, 2010 at 4:59 am
Brand new discussion about awesome acting in less popular or known movies.Named them whatever you like,but don`t forget how good they are. I will start with only a few,for example….ANTHONY HOPKINS in 2005. Roger Donaldson`s – THE WORLD`S FASTEST INDIAN…Than: RICHARD DREYFUSS in 1981. John Badam`s – WHOSE LIFE IS IT ANYWAY ?…Of course: BETTE DAVIS in 1962. Robert Aldrich`s – WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE ?…Don`t forget: LEONARDO DI CAPRIO in 1993. Lasse Hallstrom`s – WHAT`S EATING GILBERT GRAPE…Than: AL PACINO In 2002. Daniel Algrant`s – PEOPLE I KNOW…Top acting: ED HARRIS in 2002. Stephen Daldry`s – THE HOURS…Let me add: JENNIFER CONNELLY and BEN KINGSLEY in 2003. Vadim Perelman`s – HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG…How could I ….EDWARD NORTON in AMERICAN HISTORY X , brilliant…bla,bla,bla…I wrote about this movie,am I ? O, yes I am..Well,movies fans,that will be all for start…See ya…
May 6th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
Hey could I reference some of the insight from this blog if I link back to you?
May 6th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
Tanya, no problem!! just email me the link, i’d love to see how you’re using it!
-August
May 17th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I procure recently started using the blogengine.net and I having some problems here? in your blog you stated that we necessity to franchise write permissions on the App_Details folder…unfortunately I don’t agree how to assign it.
August 16th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
im boondock saints
and this movie is the best of the best
u say that again and ill come for u ;x
August 16th, 2010 at 6:48 pm
Alex, thank you for your post. You remind of another group of idiot fans: the juggalos. Thank Christ you’re retarded.
October 15th, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Hallo! is it okay for me to link to you as an authority in my niche? I have a small austrian blog.
October 24th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Oh love this actor! He is simply amazing! Scarface is my fav by a mile!
December 25th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Are you a total momma’s boy?
Did your fatehr leave when you were born?
Are you requirede to pee sitting down?
Do you think Liza M is an icon of talent?
You really have no clue about movies and that likely why you work in a mall!
Grow a pair and watch it again then maybe you will get it!
January 27th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Billy Connelly Is Scottish, not Irish.
January 27th, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Joe no, thanks for the correction. Luckily, this error does not take away the shittiness of this movie.
October 9th, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Stereotypes, impossible explosions, nipples, pretty boys with accents, more guns than plot points, … Sorry, I keep coming back to the pretty boys with accents and completely lose my train of thought. Good thing I’m retarded.
January 13th, 2012 at 10:52 pm
okay… i saw this shit on google, and….
A: Boondock saints is awesome, if you think movies have to be realistic to be good then you’re a jackass who thinks he speaks for ‘non-retarded’ people and their opinions.
B: you probably jack-off to ben stiller movies
C: stop smelling your own dick-cheese.