I’ve seen a lot of movies in my 32-year tenure on Earth. I believe that i’ve viewed enough of all tastes and watchability to have a compass of what is good and what isn’t.

Boondock Saints is not good. It’s not even worthy to be shit. It’s the mold that grows on my dog’s shit after sitting in the bucket for a week.

But first, I digress.
Years ago, I worked at Media Play in the video dept., as well as at Suncoast Video in the mall…… and Blockbuster Video. Oh, and also Video U.S.A. (you can see the pattern of my high school and college employment). During my time at all these places, all these idiots kept coming up to me asking me about Boondock Saints. At the time, it was unavailable, so i had to turn them away. But TONS of people were asking for it, whether or not i could special order it, and when it might come out. I became intrigued. After college, I got a teaching job, and thus, forgot about Boondock Saints (we’ll call it BS, appropriately, from here on).

Some time ago, it was finally released on DVD to the masses. To say that this movie was built up for me over time was an understatement.

Years later, during a recent trip to Maryland last summer, my friend Eric sat me down to watch BS. As I watched it, i felt my hemorrhoids burst while my testicles crawled up into my bladder. I’M SAYING IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. I felt embarrassed for all the people that had to walk out of the theater after watching it. For the first time, I wished I had grown up in an indigenous third-world nation……because then i wouldn’t have had to watch this piece of shit. I’d rather fight tapeworm than watch that movie again. It was a big ball of cliche that had no purpose. Guns! Shooting people! We’re Irish Catholic! Let’s say an Our Father in a church before killing 30 people so we look cool! Let’s misrepresent every good dark drama movie ever made! The characters made Catholics look worse than perverted priests. It took place on the “mean streets” of Boston, making me ashamed for the first time of being a Red Sox fan.

It features an “all-star cast” of no-names and shouldn’t-be-names like Billy Connolly (yes, the Irish comedian from Head of the Class). I pray for dysentery when I see this picture:

IT MADE NO SENSE. It looked like a film directed by that frat guy you knew that watched Fight Club without really UNDERSTANDING what Fight Club was really about. It’s the guy that had a Scarface poster on his wall, forgetting the FALL part of the “rise-and-fall” movie. A guy that watched Pulp Fiction without really GETTING Pulp Fiction’s incredible dialogue, instead re-imagining the characters in a Matrix movie. It was very hard to sit through.

Now……. i’m friends with Coons, and he’s sat me down to watch pretty horrible movies: e.g. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Hard Rock Zombies (featuring Hitler). I can tell movies that are schlock (like, they know they’re bad and don’t take themselves seriously). This movie tries hard to NOT SUCK, making it suck all the more. I’m going to go one step further and say that Boondock Saints is even worse than Intercessor: Another Rock and Roll Nightmare (only because i had to stop that movie 20 minutes in, and i can’t judge a film i didn’t finish).

I thought I was some crazy person for hating this movie. Was it because of the build up? Was it a hype machine? Why was I the only person that didn’t jerk off to this movie? THEN I went online, and realized that only retarded people liked The Boondock Saints. I breathed a sigh of relief once I realized that the rest of the sane world agreed with me.

If you REALLY want some more evidence of what a douchebag the director is: watch this film NOW on netflix streaming:

That’s right. They actually made a documentary film on what a horrible human being the director is, and what a talentless piece of shit he always was.

I thought i was safe. I thought it was over, and Troy Duffy was done making movies, but then I saw this movie poster and now i have to reopen the wounds………this movie came out this weekend. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!