As a child I was absolutely terrified of loud noises. Anything loud would cause me to freak the fuck out like Rainman seeing a tub of hot water. This is one of those stories.

Since I was mortified of anything loud, running the vacuum was something of an ordeal at the Coons house, my dad tried to solve the problem by talking to me in a calm and concerned manner.

“Why are you afraid of the sweeper?” he asked.

“It’s so loud!”

“…but why is it loud?” he asked.

Rather than addressing my emotions, like an ineffectual pussy, my dad wisely chose to address the thing which caused the emotion, actually fixing the problem rather than merely painting over it.

“Because it sucks things into it and chops them to bits its fan blades!” I told my dad, and presented a number of mauled Transformer guns that I had left on the floor in evidence of my viewpoint.

The sweeper may or may not have also played a role in Crane loosing his other arm, causing him to become the wonky, crippled, “Hey, wait up you guys!” Constructicon. The other Constructicons only kept him around because A) they needed him to form the upper-torso of Devastator, and B) my parents adamantly refused to replace him, no matter how good I was.

My dad chuckled to himself, and led me to the hall where he was sweeping.

“See? It’s not doing a thing…” he said as he stroked and fawned the sweeper, as a misdirection. “…it can’t hurt you at all! It just…”

At that moment, he turned the sweeper on, and began shrieking.

“Oh God!” he shouted. “Oh God, no! It’s got my foot! Help!”

I vapor-locked. My dad threw himself to the ground, and clawed at the carpet in an unsuccessful bid to escape his untimely demise.

“Run!” he shouted as he lay on the floor, shimming toward the sweeper to create the illusion of being sucked in. “Run! Save yourself!”

I ran back in to my room and slammed the door, panting frantically as I braced myself against the door frame, to prevent the sweeper from entering from when it inevitably comes to life. I realized that this all had to be some sort of elaborate prank, like on those “TV Bloopers and Practical Jokes” specials we would watch on NBC. I threw open the door, and the sweeper was still running, but my dad was gone. Surely, he didn’t run down the hall and watched me from around the corner. No! Clearly, he had to have been consumed by the damnable machination in the hall.

I went from wide-eyed horror to a squint and ran back into my room. I didn’t know what the sweeper’s deal was, but I knew one thing — that it had to die. I dashed to the toy chest, because it had enough toy guns to overthrow imaginary Central American governments… and I did.

See, unlike 50% of my readership, I grew up in the 1980’s (I’m looking at you, Purdue), The Children on the 90’s grew up watching Pokémon, Barney & Friends, and The Effeminate Rainbow Pals; however, in the 80’s childhood looked a little something like this:

I rummaged through my toy box for the largest gun I could find. I don’t exactly remember what it was supposed to be a replica of; I just remember that I eventually broke the trigger off from shooting too much.

A great number of red headbands littered my toybox, as one was bundled with most Rambo playsets. So i grabbed one of them, and dramatically tied it on with a mighty pull. I would like to take this time to inform my younger readers that at the time, this was considered a normal thing for children to do. At any given time, half of my first grade class would be wearing camouflage t-shirts and redhead bands like Corey Feldman from the fuckin’ Lost Boys.

I threw open the door with my gun rhythmically clicking, screaming at the top of my lungs as I broke down into tears, and then screamed and cried at once, shooting and shooting.

After a minute or so, my dad quit laughing and came out from the corner, and picked me up. It didn’t help at all. I kept shooting, screaming, and crying. I always kind of wondered why my Dad did that to me, until the answer came to me one day — because that was the most badass awesome thing you could ever do with a little kid.

Man, I am so glad that August and Joe will have kids soon, so that Uncle Coons can pull shit like this on them…

The original Karate Kid was released in 1984, and was welcomed by a four-star review by Roger Ebert, an Academy Award Nomination for Best Supporting Actor to Pat Morita, and a HUGE embrace by the culture of yesterday and today. It was responsible for getting me into a karate dojo. Twenty years later, I have my own…with my own students.

Strangely enough, I am the new version’s most skeptical enemy and also it’s biggest supporter. It doesn’t succeed on a few of the levels that the original did, but it made some small improvements to a couple of my complaints after many viewings over the years.

The success of the new film lies with its purpose, cinematography and influence. It honors the original enough, while being its own film. It was tastefully done, and didn’t succumb to most of the Hollywood stupidity of today’s films for young people. One of The Karate Kid’s strongest themes was having a father-figure in our lives. As a middle-school teacher, I see many of my students without fathers or students who SHOULD be without their fathers. In his book, Wild At Heart, John Eldridge talks about the necessity of caring for the “father-wound” we all have from birth, and how our fathers are to be loving stewards of our personhood prior to adulthood. Too often, we see the negligence of that guidance in our children. I really connected with both Daniel (from the original) and Dre, who both lost their fathers and became vulnerable after moving to a strange place. The relationship between Dre/Daniel and Mr. Han/Miyagi was crucial, and I believe that this film will show young people the importance of having those relationships, and to foster them…same as it did 26 years ago. The movie “Up” also had a similar message, telling young people that even if our parents don’t/can’t care about us, we can find strength in those who would teach us and care for us.

The other success of this film is its influence on modern martial arts. If you ask most people about the arts, you’ll hear about either the UFC or a violent revenge film. I enjoy both of these, because I enjoy watching others get hurt (that’s besides the point). While entertaining, these fights and films can take away from the underlying purpose of where it all comes…because they are, too often, the spokesmen of the arts in our culture. This film shows kung-fu as a defensive art, not an offensive sport. Jackie Chan does a good job as Mr. Han, and provides a relevant line that “Kung-Fu lives in your whole person, and shows up in how you treat other people.” I really liked the direction of how he used teaching Dre respect for his mother and for others as the “wax-on/wax-off” training catalyst. Dre never picked his jacket up off the floor for his mother, so Mr. Han used the movements of hanging the coat, putting it on, taking it off, and laying it on the floor as the movement training. It was creative, and it took the concept of the original further. My favorite improvement was in Dre’s abilities during and after training. In the original, let’s be honest, Daniel was kind of a sissy…and had no business beating those Cobra Kai students. The whole tournament was Daniel getting his ass kicked, then getting lucky and pulling out a win. The tournament in the remake was very satisfying, and the choreography was very entertaining to watch. Dre felt like a worthy opponent the whole time, and Jaden Smith’s athletic ability was evident.

My complaints lie in the relationship between Dre and Mr. Han…..i kinda didn’t buy it at times. Not to say it wasn’t effective, but it was nowhere near the rapport between the two of the original. Also, I think they cast a little too young for the main role. While Jaden Smith did a great job, it’s difficult to have coming-of-age themes and love interests for an 11-year old. Blame it on the “tween” marketing America is caught up in. The movie was 2 and a half hours long….and took awhile to build up steam. I think it could have been edited down to a more enjoyable 2 hrs.

Overall, I think the film is worth seeing. It will give casual fans of the original a nostalgic trip, while adding some creative spins on some plot points of the original. Young, aspiring martial artists will take away some important messages, and hopefully be pointed in the direction of a good dojo….hopefully mine. The flaws are outweighed by a tastefully done remake that tries to honor the greatness of the original, which can be obviously remade…..but never REPLACED.

I didn’t think yesterday was going to be epic, oh, but it was.

I went to work and plotted some points, and managed to leave work such that the rain started right when I opened the door to my building, and made dinner such that I was done right when the tornadoes started. After that, I read some journals, and washed the dishes, and read more journals. And then, right around midnight, Mike Brownstein left a post on my Facebook. A link to a one-line news article that said that “Touchdown Jesus” off of I-75, was on fire.

Then, like that, I grabbed the ol’ SuperFunAdventureCodex, and crossed one more item off my list.

A transcript of the list is given below.  (The items are listed in order of importance.)

Things I’d Like to See:

• Christopher Walken performing a spoken-word version of David Bowie’s “Heroes”
• Ally Sheedy naked
• Jesus Christ on fire
• solid room-temperature superconductors
• Nuclear power renaissance
• identity of “Deep Throat” revealed
• functioning and economical EUV lithography system
• destruction of the Roman Catholic Church
• a cure for diabetes
• Labyrinth II
• electric cars gaining widespread popularity
• the Kurzweilian Singularity
• the domestication of the Komodo Dragon
• old-school breakdancing making a comeback
• the identity of who killed Laura Palmer
• Sarah Palin running for office again, so we can continue to make fun of her.
• Dolph Lundgren fighting Jet Li
• Reliable jetpacks
• Gene Hackman in drag
• Concise, coherent, and preferably closed-form solution to the Problem of Evil
• Collapse of the Kim Family Regime
• Passage of the ERA
• Passage of a amendment to legalize same-sex marriage
• Men everywhere wearing fedoras and flat caps at all times, like they did in the 1920’s
• Freddy Kruger fighting Jason Voorhees
• all my friends living happy and fulfilling lives
• repeal of fireworks laws
• to see BP go under

For those of who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, a little backstory.

Shortly after I moved to Ohio to start grad school, right around the time the neo-cons and Christo-fascists went mad with power, the Solid Rock Church spent $500,000 to build “King of Kings,” a 62 foot bust of Jesus Christ facing I-75. The statue was ostensibly to help people by serving as “a beacon of hope and salvation,” but in practice, the colossal eyesore merely served as a navigational marker to lead people to the flea market. Within minutes of its dedication, the people of the greater Cincinnati area rechristened the statue “Touchdown Jesus,” for obvious reasons.

Well, last night, Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning by the same thunderstorm that not-killed me with tornadoes, cloud-to-ground lightning, and baseball-sized hail, proving once again that Yahweh is some linear combination of retarded, incompetent, and/or drunk.

Also, their was apparently the Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was completely undamaged, signifying that Larry Flynt is truly favored by the Lord.

Also, apparently statues can catch fire.

That kinda threw me for a loop, for we tried to set literally everything in the universe on fire back in Boy Scouts. Then I found out Touchdown Jesus was made of styrofoam, and everything made sense. It was a giant metal frame, next to pond, covered in styrofoam with a fiberglass skin. Apparently it had a lightning rod, but it didn’t work. I’d like to take this time to point out that lightning rods are a proven technology and have no moving parts.

The comments for that YouTube video are priceless, by the way. I could say more about this, but I’m going to let Percy Shelley take over from here:

OZYMANDIAS

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

Several of my students recently competed in a karate tournament and in getting ready for the  competition, we decided to watch one of the best karate movies ever, The Karate Kid.  With the  re-release of this movie looming, I wanted to add my opinions here in Kungfu-topia.  Having  spoken with August (possibly the biggest Karate Kid fan I know) about this release and I have  mixed feelings.  First, the original Karate Kid was not broken.  They got it right.  If you want to  see how wrong a remake can go, just check out Hilary Swank in The Next Karate Kid.

Second, the kid in this rerelease doesn’t learn karate.  Taking the name just to make money from the Karate Kid loyal seems terribly wrong.

Still, there is hope.  I always loved the way the original presents the art of karate.  It is more than fighting.  Those who train for understanding, for the art, emerge victorious over those focusing only on the martial.  August told me he is excited to see a movie released to do this again for a new generation.  The previews look promising in this regard.

The jury is still out.  I will report back after I have seen the film.  Nothing can replace the original.  It will remain required reading for my karate school where I quote the movie at least once per class.  This brings up my final point, The Karate Kid is one of the most quotable movies of all time.  Be it Kreese or Miyagi, there are dozens of quotable quotes that echo through the decades.

-Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important.

-STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY SIR!

-We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

-Get him a body bag! Yeah!

On that note, what are your favorite Karate Kid quotes?  Everytime I watch it, I hear a new one.  I am excited to hear from you kungfu-topians.  Also, once you have seen the new release, let me know what you think.

No more for today.  Come back soon.  Start early.