On Michelle Bachmann.

Posted on 22 August 2011 by Yellow Hat Guy

This post is a collaboration between Mike Brownstein of Politics and Pucks and myself. I’ve been staying on Mike’s couch the last couple of days.

The night was growing old. Mike was playing Return to Dark Castle; I was going on Wiki-walks. We were chatting politics, as we generally do, usually about the crazy Republicans and their horrid pasts. Michelle Bachmann popped up into the conversation, like she does.

So, we wiki’d her, and saw that Michelle Bachmann has been a keynote speaker for “You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International,” which is apparently the Christian Spinal Tap. You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International, or YCRBYCHI (no, seriously) is a ministry that goes into high schools and attempts to reaffirm “disappearing” Judeo-Christian values via the Christian rapcore/nu-metal band Junkyard Prophet. We could, and probably ought to write about them, but it’s a lot more effective to let them damn themselves by talking to you:

Junkyard Prophet (previously known as Reign of Kings) is the crux of their ministry and their primary media outler. Their leader, drummer, Bradlee Dean, is a de facto Tea Party advocate, with a “degree” from the Institute on the Constitution. He also has put together a movie entitled My War, which is apparently a documentary about many different facets of society as seen from Dean’s perspective. Fortunately, their ministry appears to have been contained to the Phantom Zone of reason which is the Midwest, and the deep South. Presumably the international part implies and only refers to the occasional jaunt into Canada, much like Erie International Airport.

You might also have noticed around 2:33 in the video, that this ministry is located in Real America, meaning Anandale, MN. Their headquarters is a storefront, next to the Pizza Works & Deli, across the street from a bowling alley, and around the corner from a Snooty Fox Adult store. So this neighborhood is surely one to be saved. Not to mention this is actually located within Rep. Bachmann’s Congressional District.

By their own running tally, they’ve performed 331 of their high school assemblies. This is one of their singles, “Betta Beware”

If this is truly their message, they should avoid the following:

-        Sean Hannity

-        Glenn Beck (actually, everyone should, in an abstract, general sense)

-        Fox & Friends

-        Infowars

-        Alex Jones

Because this group cannot heed their great advice, they have engaged the media. by recently, suing Rachel Maddow for defamation. The funny part is that the defamation suit can’t actually point out an act of defamation. You see, when there’s public information, and someone uses said public information negatively towards you, while citing it — that’s not “defamation” — that’s “news.” If Maddow claimed that YCRBYCH kills thousands of newborn children each day with their legions of invisible pink unicorns with laser-beam horns, that would be defamation*.

Bradlee Dean has been a guest on Alex Jones’ Infowars, and others shows that wish to support this right-wing patriot, who is trying to save America from its doom by endorsing the genocide of the LGBT community, noting that:

Our position is not libertarian because we cannot accept the idea that sex is a private language. But we are not authoritarian because we do not believe that persecution is going help homosexuals.

Okay, so that is kind of hateful towards GBLT individuals, but that’s not all!

Bradlee Dean is also a regular contributor of “Sons of Liberty,” an AM talk radio call-in show advocating a world where America is to defend itself from other governments to prevent the creation the New World Order.

So if these guys are using the media to put out their message, we figured that we might as well see what they have done on-line as well. To do this, Mike suggested using Klout scores**. Bradlee Dean has a klout score of 46, which, after some goofing around, was determined to be equal to the early-90’s monstrous balladeers, Nelson. Ryan still listens to some of their singles, even though he holds them accountable for the fall of hair metal.

Really? I score better than Nelson — I mean, c’mon!” said  Mike, incredulous.

We kind of lost track of things for a while, wondering where they laid on the scale of influence. Then, we went one step further and compiled our findings into a table. We were kinda in the zone.

Name

Occupation

Klout
Score

Lady Gaga

Mother Monster

92

Barack Obama

President of the United States

89

Charlie Sheen

Winner

82

Chris Jericho

Nine-time WWE Intercontinental Champion

78

Boy George

Solo artist; former lead singer of the Culture Club

77

David Hasselhoff

Actor, singer, and übermensch

75

PZ Meyers

Noted cephalopod researcher and blogger

74

Michelle Bachmann

Patron saint of lost causes

72

Pee-Wee Herman

Legendary wicked-awesome children’s show host

72

The Red Scare Bot

Automated demagogue scaremonger

69

Debbie Gibson

Singer and Actress

65

Amy Fisher

Murderous porn star

60

Mike Brownstein

Political scholar and ice hockey enthusiast

60

Sylvia Browne

Spiritualist author and known felon

51

Nelson

Writers of the world’s most monstrous ballads

46

Ryan Coons,
a/k/a Yellow Hatguy

Experimental physicist, nuclear engineer, and hack writer

46

Bradlee Dean

“Real American Hero”

46

Infowar

Bizzaro World’s version of Reddit

42

The Westinghouse AP1000
Nuclear Reactor

Passively-safe Generation III+ pressurized water reactor

35

Junkyard Prophet

Christian rapcore/nu-metal band

29

Ally Sheedy

Impossible, perfect standard by which all women are judged.

10

Darren Italiani

Middle school math teacher who teaches karate on the side.

10

Dale Bozzio

Lead singer for Missing Persons

10

The point is, Michelle Bachmann is running for President of the United States. She has crazy friends, and that these skeletons will come out since she’s kind of out in the open. The fact she has not even made a press announcement about how she is going to distance herself is not surprising and should be taken as a note of merit for her background. Her silence speaks volumes. She endorses this behavior. She wants your kids to be subject to this during school hours — instead of learning science, math, art, music, or metal shop. These are the tomorrows she will create all over this great land. We must stop her, because metal shop was awesome.

————————————-
* Unless Maddow thought it to be true to the best of her knowledge after careful research.

** The Klout score is a poor metric, but Mike didn’t tell me until afterward, as I was having to much fun.

2 Comments For This Post

  1. Darren Says:

    dude, i’m WAY higher than Sylvia Browne. What the fuck??!?!?!?!?!?

  2. Mike Brownstein Says:

    The Klout speaks, and we must obey it

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