Today, one of my students had a note in his hand during class. Naturally, being the dick that I am, I confiscated the object in question and proceeded to place it on the digital projector in order to humiliate him.

The note was an elaborate rap written by a boy from whom you’d never expect an ounce of vulgarity. His behavior record is exemplary. The note went on to say things about a classmate’s mother that….well, it warmed my heart. The kid had talent. I had no idea that there were so many words that rhymed with “boner.” The pwned classmate in question was 85lbs, glasses, 4 foot 8, and on the wrong side of quite possibly the greatest mom-joke humiliation in my school’s history. The writer of this rap will speak of this event when he’s 45. 22 children looked in horror and awe at the evisceration of this child’s mother on the note. I left it on the projector for about 10 seconds….but it was all the time needed for everyone to witness the destruction of another child’s will, self-esteem…..and their very soul.

“Daaaaaaaaamn, he came at your throat, that shit was WRONG!” was all i could hear as i tore the note from the projector and immediately filed it for the principal. I went on to learn that these two had been writing raps about each others’ mothers for awhile now, and were finally caught by me. They both will serve 2-hr detentions, with this story in their hearts forever. I wrote all this because it reminds me of a tender story from 1994, when I took it to another level:

Kevin Nolan, of course, was my best friend through all of grade school, and through the first couple years of high school. From 2nd through 8th grade, we were forbidden to be in the same class. Both of our 8th grade language arts journals were dedicated to defecation. I’m not joking. 177 entries, all dealing with how cool poop was. We both attended an all-boys preparatory high school, and were incessantly bored with the tedium of academia. We decided it would be funny to write fake hate letters/death threats to each other, and try to be as creative as possible. I had typing class 2nd period, and he had it 5th. I would drop these notes in his locker after my typing class and he would do the same. Note: I was watching 80’s horror movies on a regular basis at this point, and most of my notes read like John Carpenter’s The Thing. ‘Nuff said.

My notes were of legend. Classmates would approach me, praising my many uses of curse words and wishing for Kevin’s untimely death (of course, i was joking) through the most horrid of means. The coup de gras came when I was having nose bleeds one day from the cold weather. I came up with the idea of writing something absolutely dreadful in my own blood, since it was available at the time. I know what you’re thinking, I need psychological help. You have NO idea. Anyway, Kevin LOVED the note, and his face turned red from laughing so hard as I told him how the blood got there. It literally couldn’t get any worse, so the notes stopped.

guess what? KEVIN WAS AN IDIOT.

He left ALL my notes out on his desk one day, and his mom and dad found them. Yeah, my day sucked. All I remember was Kevin coming over with his parents that evening. It was a set-up. I was completely oblivious since my parents and his were also close friends, so i figured this was a social call. We all sat at the dinner table….. and just as i took a sip from my coca-cola, the blood-soaked hate notes fell on the hardwood table. My face turned white, and I almost passed out. I tried to explain that we were just kidding around, but the evidence was overwhelming that shit just WASN’T RIGHT. Kevin and I couldn’t stop laughing about it, and both sets of parents immediately considered changing their positions on abortion.

At that age, you realize that farting is hilarious, mom jokes are priceless, and inappropriateness is a gift.

I’ve seen a lot of movies in my 32-year tenure on Earth. I believe that i’ve viewed enough of all tastes and watchability to have a compass of what is good and what isn’t.

Boondock Saints is not good. It’s not even worthy to be shit. It’s the mold that grows on my dog’s shit after sitting in the bucket for a week.

But first, I digress.
Years ago, I worked at Media Play in the video dept., as well as at Suncoast Video in the mall…… and Blockbuster Video. Oh, and also Video U.S.A. (you can see the pattern of my high school and college employment). During my time at all these places, all these idiots kept coming up to me asking me about Boondock Saints. At the time, it was unavailable, so i had to turn them away. But TONS of people were asking for it, whether or not i could special order it, and when it might come out. I became intrigued. After college, I got a teaching job, and thus, forgot about Boondock Saints (we’ll call it BS, appropriately, from here on).

Some time ago, it was finally released on DVD to the masses. To say that this movie was built up for me over time was an understatement.

Years later, during a recent trip to Maryland last summer, my friend Eric sat me down to watch BS. As I watched it, i felt my hemorrhoids burst while my testicles crawled up into my bladder. I’M SAYING IT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. I felt embarrassed for all the people that had to walk out of the theater after watching it. For the first time, I wished I had grown up in an indigenous third-world nation……because then i wouldn’t have had to watch this piece of shit. I’d rather fight tapeworm than watch that movie again. It was a big ball of cliche that had no purpose. Guns! Shooting people! We’re Irish Catholic! Let’s say an Our Father in a church before killing 30 people so we look cool! Let’s misrepresent every good dark drama movie ever made! The characters made Catholics look worse than perverted priests. It took place on the “mean streets” of Boston, making me ashamed for the first time of being a Red Sox fan.

It features an “all-star cast” of no-names and shouldn’t-be-names like Billy Connolly (yes, the Irish comedian from Head of the Class). I pray for dysentery when I see this picture:

IT MADE NO SENSE. It looked like a film directed by that frat guy you knew that watched Fight Club without really UNDERSTANDING what Fight Club was really about. It’s the guy that had a Scarface poster on his wall, forgetting the FALL part of the “rise-and-fall” movie. A guy that watched Pulp Fiction without really GETTING Pulp Fiction’s incredible dialogue, instead re-imagining the characters in a Matrix movie. It was very hard to sit through.

Now……. i’m friends with Coons, and he’s sat me down to watch pretty horrible movies: e.g. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter and Hard Rock Zombies (featuring Hitler). I can tell movies that are schlock (like, they know they’re bad and don’t take themselves seriously). This movie tries hard to NOT SUCK, making it suck all the more. I’m going to go one step further and say that Boondock Saints is even worse than Intercessor: Another Rock and Roll Nightmare (only because i had to stop that movie 20 minutes in, and i can’t judge a film i didn’t finish).

I thought I was some crazy person for hating this movie. Was it because of the build up? Was it a hype machine? Why was I the only person that didn’t jerk off to this movie? THEN I went online, and realized that only retarded people liked The Boondock Saints. I breathed a sigh of relief once I realized that the rest of the sane world agreed with me.

If you REALLY want some more evidence of what a douchebag the director is: watch this film NOW on netflix streaming:

That’s right. They actually made a documentary film on what a horrible human being the director is, and what a talentless piece of shit he always was.

I thought i was safe. I thought it was over, and Troy Duffy was done making movies, but then I saw this movie poster and now i have to reopen the wounds………this movie came out this weekend. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Samara (my dog) has been lighting up the living room all night. Fuck her. My dog’s farts smells like rotten asshole, singed taint-hair….or possibly a combination of both. A Samara fart is best described as “a wind tunnel of poo breath.”

The nastiest thing about it, is when you smell it….. your brain immediately provides a picture of what the corresponding turd would look like (and it’s not pretty).

I can go on record to say that I love my dog as much as (if not more than) family. Yet, this doesn’t excuse her wretchedness.

Before you call me a hypocrite, I will concede that its karma for all the stank-ass shenanigans i’ve put out there all these years: Friend humiliation, pants-shitting, more pants-shitting, and disgruntled wife. All due to my years of tickling my sense of humor at the expense of others. I even have two hemorrhoids that bother the shit out of me (pun), and its all from pushing too hard to exhale the vile.

I can remember being very young, and I swallowed over half of a Flinstones vitamin bottle. My mom was crying as she whisked me away to the ER. The doctor reassured her that I would just have “a little gas”. Apparently this is my curse.

The internet has opened our eyes to the extremes of the human condition. We’ve experienced testicular fire-setting, skateboard injury montages…. and lots and lots of webcam whores. The ability to see virtually whatever we want whenever we want has pushed the limits of our response stimuli. If you want to see a Japanese girl poop on herself via complex yoga positioning, while in a bathtub…. it’s there, man. I’ve seen that shit……… you can’t go back.

It’s also a place where raw human emotion parades into our consciousness via YouTube superstars with mystical appeal. Let’s talk about anger. I would imagine that a Jewish child who just saw his parents sent away to their deaths in a Nazi camp would still show HALF the anger you are about to see in these videos. If I was kicked in the balls by a clown wearing steel-toed red shoes, only after viewing a forced-watch session of my wife in bed with Uwe Boll (Clockwork Orange-style, of course), i would be mad. Probably REAL mad. guess what: My anger is dwarfed by this child of Legion. You will meet him, and he will pull a part of your soul south of Heaven.

Today, I go on record as seeing the greatest series of moments in internet history. The following chronicles the life and times of a truly dysfunctional person. Allow me to introduce you to ‘wafflepwn’, possibly the worst brother ever. Yet, like Santa Claus, he brings joy to the world: through the exploitation of his psychotic Satan-possessed brother Steven.

To say that Steven needs a roomful of priests as well as a swimming pool full of holy water is an understatement. You have NEVER seen anger in a child until you see these videos.

Username wafflepwn (real name unknown) uploads videos of his brother FREAKING OUT over videogame-related mishaps. Allow me to introduce you.  By the way, wait for the 1:10 mark for things you can’t unsee:

Who shoves a remote control up their ass in anger? Anything, for that matter? Hitting his head with a shoe, he asks “Is this what you want?”. The answer is yes. You, Steven, have made 2009 a year to remember. After uploading this video on the internet, wafflepwn showed this to his brother via YouTube and recorded his reaction, where millions of people have found purpose in life because of it. It went as planned:

Oh…. it gets better. AN ORIGIN STORY? YOU WANT AN ORIGIN STORY? DONE. See where it all began! find out WHY Steven’s World of Warcraft account was taken away: what follows is nothing short of brilliance in manipulation and absolute penultimate terror.

Finally, fast-forward to age 16. Steven gets a beat-up jalopy truck as a first vehicle to drive around in, that his parents got him for cheap. His reaction? Wait toward the end for ultimate cash money.

Ok, lets talk about this. I did some research, and found out that Steven is NOT retarded, does NOT have Autism or any severe learning disability. Apparently, he’s moderately intelligent with a small penchant for burning the wick at both ends when it comes to anger management. Anyone who doesn’t want to beat this kid like a baby seal should stop what they’re doing, make an appointment with their family doctor… and DECIMATE YOUR BABY-MAKING CAPABILITIES, because you will be a terrible parent.

Would you like some dessert? of course you do.

I consider myself, with all ego aside, a considerably well-experienced gamer. From the days of owning an Intellivision in the late 70’s back at my parents to currently pounding buttons on my PS3.

I submit, for your consideration, the greatest video game i’ve ever played as of mid-2009: Bioshock.

It works and exceeds on so many levels. From the graphics, to the efficient use of the Unreal Engine, to the INCREDIBLE movie-like story (side note: Gore Verbinski, director of all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies and The Ring, is making a Bioshock movie…. which makes sense because its a horror movie underwater).

Bioshock is a thinking man’s game. You don’t have to play the same way through twice. It forces you to consider your moral compass and make choices that effect the outcome of gameplay.

The premise is this: You are an unknown man, whose plane crashes in the middle of the Atlantic. You are the only survivor, and arrive at a lighthouse in the middle of the ocean that takes you down deep underwater to Rapture, a “utopian” city that was initially created by an ambitious man to escape all political, religious and artistic persecution in the outside world. The discovery of an ability-enhancing product called ADAM (which you use in the game) caused the inhabitants to become addicted, morally and physically altering them forever (called Splicers). You show up after the downfall of this society and have to find out the mystery of Rapture, while figuring out who’s pulling the strings and why you are ultimately there in the first place. It has some big fucking twists, and will make an incredible movie.

More importantly than the story, the gameplay backs it ALL UP. It’s the best shooter i’ve ever played. And i’ve played half-life 2, i’ve played halo, i’ve played Call of Fucking Duty. The control scheme is easy to learn, difficult to master, and infinite in the combination possibilities. While using conventional weapons (your pistols, guns and chemical throwers), you have Plasmids: abilities to alter your DNA (the ADAM) and use attacks such as elemental or manipulative attacks. The characters are amazing, the story is amazing and the gameplay and options are amazing.

I knew that this was my all-time favorite game over a year ago….. but i had to play through it three more times to completely exhaust the reasons why it’s better than Resident Evil 4, Metal Gear Solid and Final Fantasy Whatever.

Do yourself a favor: if you have a 360 or a PS3, go buy it for under 30 bucks. It’s a steal. For PS3 owners, there are downloadable ‘challenge rooms’ that enhance the gameplay for ten bucks.

Oh, and by the way: Bioshock 2 comes out this October….. and all the blood in my body rushes to my penis when i say that (yes i have one, no matter what Coons believes).

Similar to Darkseid’s unending search for the anti-life equation, i have found the formula for true Hate. G = B + A/aS, where G = Gamestop (a videogame store obviously built on a pentagram or Indian burial ground), B = Bestiality, A = Anal, and aS = additional SHAME.

Gamestop is the biggest punch in the dick to a gamer for several reasons:
1) reserving titles leads to dealing with a douche clerk. Allow me to explain. I’m going to go out on a limb to assume that 90% of all gamestop customers on a day-to-day basis are well within the ‘male age 18-32 range’ that already know what titles are coming out and when. They also know when to reserve titles and when there is no need. It’s a simple economics lesson: If there’s a new Grand Theft Auto coming out….YOU DON’T NEED TO RESERVE IT, ASSHOLE. It will be everywhere. Supply/Demand, come on!

on a random Saturday, i walked into Gamestop to reserve a copy of Suikoden III for the PS2 (because Gamestop would only get 3 copies or so). As i was perusing the selection, some asshole manager came up to me and asked me if i wanted to pre-order Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I told him that i’ve never played a GTA game, and that I had already reserved another game and just wanted to look around. Instead of saying “that’s cool, let me know if you have any questions,” He replied “I guarantee that you won’t find that game ANYWHERE when it comes out!” I told him that i didn’t care, because i never played GTA, and I said thanks for asking. He replied (obviously not getting the hint): “if you can find GTA: Vice City anywhere on day 1, i’ll give you any game in the store.” I said ok, whatever and walked out. I was angry because i kinda felt violated in my butt-hole. Why would you harass a gamer to that extent unless you had a quota of reserves to meet? Douche. Gamestop Corporation is run and owned by Satan. Satan cares not for gamer preferences, only making money.

Three months later, i was walking in Best Buy, and it happened to be the day that GTA: Vice City came out. They had 150 copies on the shelf, at least. They were organized into a fucking pyramid, that’s how many copies they had. I was immediately enraged, and remembered my moment of anal fingering by the store manager at Gamestop. I purchased a copy, had the cashier sign and note on the receipt that i did not pre-order the copy, and went back to Gamestop. I showed the manager the copy and reminded him of his ridiculous promise to give me any game in the store. The store clerks laughed at him as he wrote out a gift card to me for $25 (not what i expected, but hey it’s free) and immediately purchased Resident Evil for the Gamecube. Fuck him, and fuck pushy sales clerks that don’t know their demographics.

2) trading games in is a SHAM: If you buy a game there, beat it and trade it in….you get barebones bullshit for it. I remember trading in a $60 game and they wanted to give me $20 for it a week after it came out. No way. THEN, i noticed that the USED PRICE for the game was $54.99. That’s only five bucks cheaper than the new price. SHENANIGANS. The store makes, like, fifty cents or so on selling a new game, while making over $35 dollars on used games. And if a game is rare, they won’t tell you and jack the used price even more when they turn around and sell it.

My advice to you: sell your used games on eBay or some other website, you’ll get the money you should there. Know when to reserve titles, and don’t be afraid to lay into those asshole sales clerks for selling stupid shit to you. They should be ashamed of themselves for selling out as corporate slaves.

Hi.  About a month ago, I read about a 66-year old woman who was on a Continental flight to Hawaii.  She was resting comfortably, enjoying the in-flight movie (i’m sure it was Marley & Me), until 28-year old Jerome Kingzio decided to get up and piss all over her.  Let’s not mince words, he hosed her down.  Police say he had been drinking.   Awesome.

Following the golden shower, the woman said that her entire vacation was ruined.  The FBI (yes, the FBI) said they would investigate.   Jerome was charged with assault and given jail time.

Why would the FBI need to investigate?  If this is FBI jurisdiction, then i’m SCREWED.  I’d like to dedicate this next space to apologize to the following people, and ask that you don’t press charges:

-to the house on my paper route that I threw my poop at, when they didn’t give me a christmas tip

-to my wife and dog, for peeing on my bedroom floor at 4am after my birthday(during one hell of a dream, apparently), while they awoke and watched in bewilderment and amazement

-to the old movie theater in the mall, for secretly urinating in a cup during a theater viewing of Hellraiser 4: Bloodline, and also for doing the same at the Plaza during Jeanne Claude Van Damme’s The Quest.  I then left the cup(s) on the floor.  Shame.

Allow me to tell you what REALLY happened here:  The woman was obviously in the aisle seat.  Jerome probably asked her three times to get up so he could walk back to the bathroom and cram into that bathroom crawlspace that couples seem to like getting away with fucking in.  However, since the woman ignored him and kept her headphones on with her large blanket cover, Jerome decided that he wouldn’t let this opportunity go to waste to show her just how poor her decision-making skills were.  As the piss splashed against her face, it probably took her back to the early years, when she often peed on other men to pay for college.

She went to her hotel room and showered (of course), then called all her friends laughing, saying “oh my god, you’ll never believe what happened LOL, i got peed on by some drunk guy!!”    Then she spent the next few days drinking Tequila and enjoying the rest of the time she had on the beaches, while Jerome met a spiked dildo named Bubba.

What really scares me:  I read a news blog that feces and urine might be the next step in terrorism, due to the lack of weapons they can smuggle on board.  So……urine is effective in combat, ultimately.  Really?  REALLY?  Gandhi could have just shit in a jar every day and surrounded the British Embassy with them, instead of doing all the unnecessary hunger strikes.   Now THAT’S civil disobedience….

I wish the media would really think things out before saying things like this to the public, because now Homeland Security will get us to buy more duct tape for the piss-flu outbreak that apparently is ready to cross our shores….because we are dumb.