I recently had the opportunity to visit South Korea.  I felt that it was imperative to the success of my trip that I learn a bit about the culture before I stumbled headlong into it.  Fortunately, I had a solution.  What better way to familiarize myself with this rich, unique, and very different culture than to watch a film that clearly displayed their culture?  I chose Best of the Best.

Best of the Best is the tale of the US karate team as they prepare to compete against the Korean tae kwon do team, who “enjoy complete government support and funding” and whom they have never beaten.  If you ever wanted to create a compelling argument for not using untrained actors to play martial artists, this would be all you would need.  There are however plenty of notable names.  Eric Roberts is the incessantly crying main character, Alex Grady, James Earl Jones is coach Clouzo, the worst coach of any kind ever, and Christopher Penn is the profane cowboy Travis Brikley.  Phillip Rhee (by far the best martial artist of the bunch) plays Tommy Lee, not the drummer but the tae kwon do instructor with the troubled past.

This is by no means a good movie, but it is fun and it is possibly the most quoted kung fu Friday movie ever.  Here are a few of my favorites:

Alex: Tommy! No! Coach! Coach! He’s gonna kill him!

Tommy: I wanna kill that son of a bitch.

Alex: Then kill that son of a bitch.

Tommy: Alex! I’m afraid!

Travis: You shouldn’t block with your face

Best of the Best also features the best bar fight scene ever!

Best of the Best is worth the watch. While the fight scenes featuring the “actors” aren’t very good, the rest are pretty descent.  There is plenty of 80’s cheese, a training montage, and a climatic final battle.  I give it a rating of 7 roundhouse kicks to the face.

I went to see Ninja Assassin for my birthday.  After seeing the preview, I had high hopes.  I wasn’t disappointed.  Ninja Assassin gave me everything I wanted, ninja, explosions, and extreme, gratuitous violence.  What else could I want for my birthday?

Honestly, I really enjoyed this film.  It tells the story of Riazo, played by Korean pop star Rain, an orphan who is brought in by the Black Sand Ninja clan, from his training from his eventual defection from his clan.  Lots of flashbacks and training sequences smattered about between the intense action sequences, I just really liked the movie.

Within the first minute, the tone is set as the top of a triad gang member’s is lopped off with his body spurting blood on his friends.  Repeat for the next 99 minutes and go home happy.

I also like how the movie follows the ninja henchman paradox.  This theory states that the toughness of a ninja is inversely proportional to the number of ninja present.  While one single ninja represents an unstoppable killing machine, in large groups they tend to die rather easily.  We also see the impact of this theory in that as the ninja henchmen are killed off, the individual ninja get tougher and tougher.  So a small piece of financial advice to you, a ninja bodyguard is a better investment than an army of ninja henchmen.  Just an FYI.

So, in summary, see Ninja Assassin.  It is worth it.  It is gruesome and fun, everything you would want it to be.

During my recent trip to the orient, I had the opportunity to train in several different martial arts schools in both Japan and Korea.  This was an amazing experience, but it is not what this blog is actually about.

This post is actually about the origins of the martial arts we practice.  As a Goshin Jutsu stylist, I have some experience with controversial martial arts origin stories.  Goshin Jutsu was invented, based on other traditional martial arts, in northwestern Pennsylvania.  There are two distinct histories of my style, one true and one entirely made up.  This has caused a great deal of internet “debate” as to the authenticity of the style (much of this comes from a single source, some guy with a chip on his shoulder), raising the question, how much do we actually know about the origins of our martial arts?

As I was preparing to go to a Haedon Kumdo school to learn some Korean sword techniques, I decided to give my friend Coons a call.  For one, he was dealing with all of the post-comiccon ridiculousness, and secondly, he has been studying kendo for a while now and I thought he might be interested.  During our conversation, he informed me that kumdo is just a misspelling of kendo, as the Koreans had taken it along with their empty hands martial arts from the Japanese after the occupation.  I would just have chalked this up to more of Coons’ crazy ramblings and paid it little attention had it not been for the fact that several of the Koreans that I talked too told me that exact opposite story.  When they [my Korean friends] found out that I practiced a martial art based on Japanese karate, they each told me about how Japanese karate is in fact based on Korean Tae Kwon Do.  Further, in visiting a Muay Thai kickboxing school, the instructor there informed me that both karate and tae kwon do where both actually based on Thai kickboxing techniques.

It is no secret that we martial artists are, in general, an arrogant lot.  We love telling (and some do make up) stories.  So it is really no surprise that we all think our style is the best and in some way the original.  I have my own ideas as to how these origin stories really  played out, but I am more interested in you, Kung Fu-topians.  What stories have you heard about either your own martial art or about martial arts in general?  What have you been told or read?    Add your own story to Kung Fu Topian lore.

Special thanks to those gracious instructors who let me live my dream and train with you.  Thank you for stepping over the language barrier and welcoming me into your school.

Ok, let me start by saying that this is in fact the real title as it appears on the DVD box and on the start menu. Let me follow with, it doesn’t involve in ANY WAY Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee isn’t in the movie, he didn’t write or produce the movie, and it was in fact released 4 years after his death. I did find out later that it does star Bruce Li, although he isn’t credited in my copy, a Bruce Lee clone of the Bruceploitation period (i.e. Bruce Li, Bruce Le, etc.). Bolo Yeung (Enter the Dragon and Bloodsport) also apparently appears somewhere in the movie (Thank you IMDB) but I didn’t see him. Maybe he was one of the guys in the gorilla costumes…

Which brings me to the review. Basic plot synopsis, a Shaolin monk is banished from the temple. He starts a casino and begins taking advantage of the locals. After a series of nasty events with the villagers, Master Fok (that’s really his name) and his assistant (Bruce Li) are called in to help. Their task is to save a young woman who has been kidnapped to the villain’s brothel. The two kung fu masters are forced to battle their way up a mountain past henchmen, an entire aboriginal Malaysian tribe, and a pack of mountain apes trained in Kung Fu. Fortunately, their human style kung fu was more powerful than the apes gorilla style and the day is saved.

This all begs the question, what does it take for dressing up in gorilla suits and filming a kung fu fight scene to sound like a good idea? I mean really? At some point, some one, somewhere had to say, “Dude, I have a great idea! It’s something that’s never been done! I’m talking about a gorilla fight scene!” See what I mean? It just can’t possibly sound smart.

Nevertheless, it is still fun. If you are looking for high drama, or even something that makes sense, don’t bother. However, if you are reading my blog, you are likely looking for neither of these, so go for it. Don’t bother watching the whole thing. Save yourself the time and just skip to the gorilla scene and laugh until you cry.

Bad Guy: Well now. You dare to come here, dare to oppose us. You forget the girl. You’re gonna get hurt. You got that?

Hero: Guess so, but still, I’ve got to check with my friend. See what he thinks.

Second Bad Guy: Hmm… and where is this friend?

Hero: [lifts his fist] He’s here. He says no!

——

Update!

I found it! You have to see it to believe it!

The

Forbidden Kingdom came out in 2008 and I paid the money and went to the theater to see it.  I mean two of the biggest names in the current kung fu movie genre (Jackie Chan and Jet Li) were finally together on screen, yet the fact that they are both well into their careers and both are established names world-wide, it was likely just a shameless plot to capitalize on their popularity and make a few bucks without having to spend time or money on writers or directors.  Still, lack of plot and story has never been a deterrent for me when it comes to kung fu movies so, with some trepidation, I went and I was pleasantly surprised.  Not as epic as it would have been if it had been made 10 years prior, it was still a very enjoyable movie to watch.  The characters were fun and the story was pretty good.  It had the silly “Crouching Tiger” wire fighting that I hate so much, but it wasn’t over the top and in general the fight scenes were entertaining. 

The general idea behind the plot is that a kid obsessed with kung fu movies is sucked into a mystical ancient Asian land and charged with the task of returning a magical staff to the Monkey King (Jet Li) who was imprisoned 500 years ago by the Jade Warlord.  It sounds cheesy (and really it is), but it never pretends to be something it isn’t.  On his way he meets a drunken beggar (Jackie Chan), Sparrow (a pretty young girl whose family was killed by the Jade War Lord), and a monk (also Jet Li) who help him on his way and train him in kung fu. 

All-in-all, it is a fun movie and worth watching at least once. 

Hello again. Ni hao. Konichiwa. An Nyoung. Welcome back. So I have spent a great deal of time this summer in deep meditation (and by deep meditation, I mean slacking on my blog). But now I’m back. And in honor of my triumphant return, I would like to tell you about my personal favorite movie in the kung fu genre, Jet Li’s Fist of Legend.

Jet Li pays homage to Bruce Lee through this remake of The Chinese Connection (1972). Though the plot is different (you should watch both) the premise is the same. In 1937 Japanese occupied Shanghai, the master of the Jing Wu school has been killed. Chen Zen (Jet Li) returns from boarding school in Japan to sort through the mystery behind his master’s death. We meet Chen Zhen in class in his Japanese boarding school as the local Kendo club invades the classroom to force the Chinese to leave. This film does a nice job of highlighting the racial tensions of the occupation. A sweet fight scene ensues in which Chen Zhen disables all of the kendo players and provides a physiology lesson by dislocating a variety of joints in each of his opponents. This just sets the tone for the rest of the movie. All of the fight scenes are epic, the characters are interesting and well developed, and there is even a (tolerable) love story so you can watch it with your significant other.

Jet pays his respects to Bruce in a few other ways as well. We see hints of Lee’s fighting style, especially in the final fight scene, Jet discusses some of Bruce’s fighting philosophy in his fight with Funakoshi, and he even does the cool back-flip kick popularized by Bruce.

All in all, this is just a great movie. It was released in 1994, before Jet Li gained a lot of popularity in the US, so it is not really well known, but if you like kung fu movies (and if you are reading this, you likely do) you should watch this movie. You’ll love it.

“That’s right, I’m Chen Zhen…the best.”

It is a sad day in Kung-Fu-Topia. Two venerable stars of kung fu cinema have passed on to that great dojo in the sky today. Shih Kien (96), best known from his role as Han, the one handed villain of Enter the Dragon*, and David Carradine (72), of the Kung Fu series and more recently Kill Bill movies, both played major roles in the popularization of the genre.

For biographical info and filmographies check out:

Shih Kien: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0793384/

David Carradine: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001016/

*For his role as Han, he did not speak any English.  Instead he learned how the mouth movements for the English words looked and mimicked these movements so that the English could be later dubbed in.

“What was that?!?! What the @#$% was that?!? I mean… what was that?!?” These are the words of my friend Amy as we watched this week’s movie, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky. I had assembled a new team, as my original Kung Fu Friday team has grown apart over the years and, in general, these movies are not to be watched alone. These new recruits were bright eyed and enthusiastic enough at the start and I thought they were ready. I had everyone. Joe, Nick, Amy. The analyst, brash young gun, the girl to sneer disapprovingly. But they weren’t ready. I hadn’t prepared them enough. They didn’t know what I was leading them into. And what were they in for on this fateful night? What were they about to be unknowingly exposed to? Only the greatest piece of cinema ever created by human hands!

Some movies waste time on silly novelties like special effects or plot, but not Riki-Oh. Riki-Oh focuses solely on being awesome. That is it’s one and only purpose. From the prisoner falling eye first onto the conveniently located bathroom board-with-nails-stinking-out-of-it to the man who eviscerates himself in an attempt to strangle Ricky with his own intestines, Riki-Oh is awesome, start to blood-spattered, gore ridden finish.

Alright, that being said, to truly enjoy this movie one must first turn off your senses of logic and reason and release your current conception of reality. This is essential as your current schema is insufficient for grasping what you are about to undertake.

(This acurately describes the feeling experienced while watching Riki-Oh)

I’m not going to go into to much detail regarding the story as I want you to go out and watch this movie (I mean right now. Finish reading my review, leave a comment, then go to Amazon or Netflix and order this movie.), but I will take you through the basics. Set in the “not to distant future” of 2001, prisons “like parking lots” are privately run. We meet Ricky, a super powered master of Chi Gung (The art that takes strength and grows stronger and stronger), as he is being lead into one of these corrupt prisons in shackles. He sets off the futuristic metal detector because of the five bullets lodged in his chest. When asked why they are there, he simply says “souvenirs.” From here the craziness ensues. A kindly old prisoner takes a hand-held wood plane to the face and we are off to the races. I can recall, with no real effort, 20 individual moments where I was both shocked and amazed.

This movie is certainly not for those with a weak stomach, but the immense amounts of gore are so over the top that it isn’t hard to parse apart the ridiculous, the terrible, and the awesome.

The prison is run by a warden (with an obese, spoiled, comic relief son) and his one eyed, hook handed assistant warden. Each cell-block is run by a super powered prisoner. Ricky battles his way through them all, discovering and destroying the opium fields that finance the prison, leading to a flashback explaining how he got into prison in the first place.

*Side note: This flashback is actually misdubbed. It shows Ricky’s girlfriend being kidnapped by a heroin dealer and inexplicably throwing herself from the roof of his hideout. Ricky kills the dealer (while wearing a very stylish camouflage poncho), taking 5 bullets to the chest. It leaves out the part where they addict her to heroin, which makes the suicide make more sense. I prefer the nonsensical version.

The point when I realized that this was the best movie ever made was where Ricky, having been cut in the arm, reaches into his cut and reties his own tendons in a nice neat bow. That was it. ‘Nuff said.

So go out and watch Riki-Oh. Right now. You won’t be disappointed.

Sometimes in the world of Kung Fu Movies, bad does not actually mean bad. Sometimes a “bad” kung fu movie is a lot of fun, especially if you are with some friends who also have an appreciation for the ridiculous. For the films on this list, this is not the case. These movies are the ones that make you question how they could possibly have ever been created. The ones that make you go to your friend and say, “Hey Mike, I got this movie you have got to see!!! It is AWESOME!!!” just to watch the growing horror on his face as he realizes that he is trapped (Rule 1: Once you start a Kung Fu Friday movie, you can’t stop until it is over).

1) Fist of Fear, Touch of Death

The first and the worst kung fu Friday movie. For a full review check out http://superfunadventuretime.com/2009/04/27/fist-of-fear-touch-of-death/

2) Pocket Ninjas

I should have known. I should have known that this was bad… really bad. All of the signs told me. From the little kids in ninja outfits holding cleaning implements on the cover (which never actually happens in the movie) to the red, white, and blue American flag karate uniform of the instructor, this movie just screamed “STAY AWAY! STAY FAR, FAR AWAY!” I should have listened.

3) The Swordsman AKA Legend of the Swordsman

Ok, so this isn’t even close to 1 and 2 for being terrible, but it surpasses everything you have ever seen in ridiculousness. Everything gets cut in half or explodes. EVERYTHING! It starts about 5 seconds in and really doesn’t stop. Also known to cause epileptic seizures.

4) Demon Ninja Massacre

Well, there were no demons and really no massacre, but there was an exploding golden ninja. Yes, indeed, there was a stealthy assassin dressed in a bright golden uniform who exploded upon death. Also had the coolest death scene possible on a $10 budget (featuring a leaf dummy being thrown off of a cliff).

5) Ninja Strike Force

Ninja Gordon fights an evil blood sword wielding ninja to avenge his friend the camouflaged ninja. Fortunately all of the Caucasian men were clearly labeled with their ninja headbands so there is no mistaking what you are seeing. To quote Gordon, “Niiiinnnnnnnjjjjjjjaaaaaaa!!!”

Hello.  My name is Joe and I love martial arts. When I was asked to write reviews of kung fu movies I was excited. I immediately found myself in an unnecessary flashback to the death of my master… no wait… wrong flashback.  I was taken back to Friday nights after karate class with my friends, watching the best and the worst kung fu movies we could find.  Kung fu Fridays became a staple.  Great times were had with guest stars and recurring characters.  Debates raged: like could Jackie Chan take on Jet Li?  And why the @#$% are they showing Jean Claude’s butt again?!?  I still find myself quoting the great ones.  They were great times and now I get to share them with you!  Welcome to my haven.  Welcome to my Kung Futopia!

In the interest of fitting the theme of the ridiculous, I chose for my first review the original and most ridiculous of kung fu Friday movies.  Fist of Fear, Touch of Death.  This “film” is, in my opinion, the pinnacle of ridiculousness.  Used in the military for the purposes of extracting information from prisoners of war, this movie represents 90 painful minutes of my life that I will never get back. 

Having seen it before, I knew what I was getting into, and yet, suppressing the rising nausea in my gut, I pressed play.  Hearing the fateful ovation of trumpets, I felt a shudder of terror run down my spine.  I am not a squeamish man.  I have seen my share of terrible things in this world and I have come through and yet, facing this task before me, to sit through this travesty once again, to once again gaze into the abyss, I tell you honestly and without shame, I was afraid.  I steeled my resolve. I had to complete my task.  I do this for you, the reader, so you won’t have to.

The film represents the ultimate in Bruceploitation (films following the formula Bruce Lee + anything = $$), the premise for which is a documentary, featuring Adolph Caesar, investigating the world martial arts championships and who will be the successor to Bruce Lee’s non-existent title of king of kung fu.  It opens with Adolph Caesar interviewing Aaron “Mr. Karate” Banks telling of how he thinks Bruce Lee was killed by the touch of death or “vibrating palm” a technique in which you “touch a particular part of the body to reverse or change the normal bodily functions” resulting in death in 3-4 weeks.  Seriously, this is what he says.  I couldn’t make this up in that I am a reasonable and sensible human being.  Thus setting the tone for the remaining 87 minutes of terror.

Flash ahead to after the opening credits and we see scenes from the tournament itself.  We hear Caesar commentating, in an Al Michaels play-by-play fashion, to what is obviously stock footage of a self-defense skit, as if it was a heavyweight title fight.  “And suddenly Bill Louie lunges for his opponents eyes… ripping them from the sockets and in a great display of showmanship he tosses them to the crowd.” 

Jump cut to a series of “interviews” with Bruce Lee.  Dubbed over stock footage of Bruce.

Jump cut back to another “match from the past.”  Again we see stock footage of a self defense skit in which a young woman (Bad a$$ Bunny Lee) is fighting a large man (The Flying Fatman) complete with exaggerated “boing” sound effects.

At this point in the film senses begin to reel.  Questions enter the mind regarding your state of existence.  How could a world possibly exist in which this piece of crap made it onto DVD?  But this is only the beginning.

Adolph Caesar notices celebrity Fred Williamson signing autographs.  We are now taken on a flashback to Williamson’s difficulty getting to the tournament.  Mistaken for Harry Belafonte, he received his wake up call two hours late.  As he gets up, his scantily clad lady friend asks him to “make it a six pack” before he leaves.  At this point he says the only sensible dialogue that I have been able to glean from the film.  “Who ever heard of fighting for Bruce Lee’s title that doesn’t even exist.  It’s kind of absurd, isn’t it?”  Once he does make it out of the hotel he encounters Jasper Milktoast, played by the writer (unbelievably there is actually a writer) who causes him to lose his cab.  Fortunately, Fred catches a ride with our very own Adolph Caesar, followed by (no exaggeration, no joke) a full three minute “drive to work” montage complete with bass driven soundtrack!

Side note: At this point I looked at the timer thinking “how much more can I take?” only to discover that I was only 15 minutes in!  My hypothesis is that the film is so bad that it causes fluctuations in space-time, hence the ability to fit an inordinate amount of awful into a 90 minute film.

The film continues with a dizzying series of jump cuts, flash backs, and stock footage following a non-existent storyline until we get to the half time show.  Caesar treats us to his rendition of Bruce Lee’s history in the martial arts stating that he was “the first to spot Bruce Lee’s talent” (I actually had to go back to hear it again). 

Caesar tells of Lee’s great grandfather, the greatest Chinese samurai of the 19^th century (apparently the only one, given that samurai are Japanese, but let’s not get lost in the details) and how he influenced Bruce Lee’s career complete with scenes from a cheesy 70’s samurai movie. 

Jump to a dubbed over Asian drama attempting to depict Bruce Lee’s family life.  They talk about how Bruce is “Karate crazy” and actually flash back within this flash back to another old samurai movie!  That’s right, a flashback²!  At this point my tenuous grasp on reality began to slip away.  Thoughtful dialogue like the following:

Bruce Lee’s Dad regarding Bruce’s karate: We must talk.  We must clear the air.

Mom: Well it’s about time.  Now I’ll be able to sleep at night.

Dad: I hope so.  Then you won’t be such a royal pain in the a$$.  Right?

 was the only thing that kept me going.  It can best be described as a series of non-sensical 70s kung fu movie clips strung together at random to tell a made up story about Bruce Lee’s home life culminating in Bruce’s great grandfather being attacked by a man wielding an abacus! This went on for 30 more minutes!  Any Bruce Lee fan is at this point is likely enraged to the point of violence.  Just keep in mind, what I have written is just the tip of the iceberg.  There is so much more that I don’t have time or desire to put here. 

The movie ends in much the same way it began.  A ridiculous blur of jump cuts and flash backs accounting the end of the tournament and the final match with two competitors never mentioned anytime previously in the film. 

A farewell from Adolph Caesar and the trial is complete.  My advice, never see this movie for any reason.  EVER!  This is possibly the worst movie ever made.  Personally, I feel less secure knowing that human hands are capable of creating anything this terrible.  It currently stands atop my “Worst of the Worst” list.  If you do feel compelled to test you mettle, to see if you are capable of surviving, do not do it alone.  Bring a friend if for no other reason than no one will believe you when you tell them how bad it truly is. 

Well, I hope you enjoyed your visit to my kung-fu-topia and I hope it helps you to avoid the disaster that is this movie.  Feel free to leave your own comments and any suggestions for future kung fu reviews.