Everyone has their story from high school and/or middle school that they would consider their best and most glorious. The moment that really defined who they are.

I would say this would have to be mine.

I still have the program and the issue of the school newspaper where I had my 15 minutes of fame and the moment where I finally felt that I had an identity aside from being the only guy with long hair in a world where guitar solos weren’t as in as they were 10 years prior. My damn scanner crapped the bed; otherwise there would be pictures to go with this.

Let’s just say I had an older sister, ten years older than me… who trained me as a puppy to get into Def Leppard when I was only three.
I’m not sure where my tastes would be otherwise. I loved loud guitar, I loved melody and I didn’t like introverted lyrics. I sure do now, but I got off on hating things that were in…especially in middle school. I was pretty bummed out a lot of the time, although I didn’t really notice until later on because I was so accustomed to it. I ditched a lot of school, because I was anxious out of my gourd (and not to point fingers but having a 5th grade science/math/SS teacher reading your absence excuses for the class to laugh at sure didn’t help). I didn’t go anywhere; I didn’t go somewhere “more fun” as the assistant principal put it. (Although I would pose the same question to me had I been in his position). I was simply in my room, playing guitar.

I didn’t have a band when I got a hold of the application to play at the talent show, but that didn’t stop me, my guitar heroes had slots in their band’s concerts where they would go off for 3-5 minutes which was something I busted my ass to get good at myself. I even drenched my sound in echo to simulate it.

I got the go ahead to perform but I had to write “Untitled” in the spot for the “song name” because I wasn’t going to play a song per se. I was just gonna go off with a loose format, so it really didn’t have a name, although it probably would’ve been more dramatic to have named it something….but anyway.

I think they had an idea what they were in for at the dress rehearsal, but at that point it was too late.

On the day of the show, I never felt more alive up to that point.
I even decided to go even further off the deep end by wearing a pair of Tasmanian Devil slippers and my Bruce Lee shirt randomly on the way out the door.

Liento Sensi played first, (I remember them well because I was sliding around dancing on the stage while they were playing…yeah…I was dancing….) then a few other performers. Then I came on.

So the juniors and seniors were in the auditorium, and everyone else watched it on closed circuit TV in classrooms. I had a Jackson Randy Rhoads and a few effect pedals (Cry Baby, Boss Metal Zone, Mxr Phase 90, and a off brand delay pedal that had a unique hall of mirrors feature)And I went off and asked everyone how they were doin on the mic while holding a trill down and got a huge reaction. A different part of me turned on for keeps at that moment. I didn’t get through half of the performance or get to my “good stuff” yet and I couldn’t hear my amp because of the reaction. It was a 100 watt amp with two speakers…and I was standing RIGHT NEXT TO IT. I heard “Crank it up Leroy!” So I did…not only because it seemed that there wasn’t a sitting person in the auditorium, or just because they liked it (except for this one chump who jealously had a stick up his ass because I didn’t “play enough chords;” one can only listen to so much Blackbird and ELO every morning…) but also because I could…not…HEAR IT…I meant well, but I watched administration and faculty alike stepping backwards in fright and horns everywhere. So I told the crowd to scream for me (I listened to and still do listen to a LOT of Iron Maiden…listen to a live album, you’ll hear it at least twice).

I finished the solo with a big blue power circle around my feet, with little stones rising up around me like in Dragon Ball Z, and a Van Halen-esque fret tapping lick.

The curtain closed, I shoved my hand between the folds and waved one more time (with the spotlight still on from what I’m told) and the MC of the show was REALLY upset when she saw me do that, but hell, I got some laughs out of it, which I would place under the entertainment category, so I’m not sure what she was so outta shape about…but oh well. I’m sure she just wanted things to run smoothly.

I had the most sickening feeling in my stomach after that because of the adrenaline (And the 3/4 of a large Pixy Stick that I pounded down my throat 5 seconds before playing…you know…the plastic ones that were about 3 feet long…yeah…) and was warmly greeted from the guys from Liento Sensi backstage.

The people who followed me…I felt for them, because I was hearing things like “we want Leroy back!” and such while they sang. Felt kinda bad about that…

I heard all kinds of stories after this.
- Boyfriends were jealous because the chicks were impacted by it somehow too (I’m not making that up…and dammit it was about time!!! Just kidding…)

- I heard there was supposed to be a curtain call at the end…didn’t happen…because of me…

- As far as I know, there were no more talent shows there until 2006 and you have to audition for it…because of me…

- I’m told there were a few teachers thinking I was gonna start a riot…mercy!!!

- I STILL 11 years later have people come up and say “Hey! Didn’t you play talent show in 1998?” and I would have NO clue who they are. It really makes me feel like shit because here they are remembering something like that, and I have no idea who they are, but flattering none-the-less and I try to look them up later in a yearbook.

- I pegged student of the week for it which I did a pretty dramatic video announcement interview for. Just ask Joe Cullers, it was completely off the chain.

The irony?

1. It was supposed to be videotaped, and the tape came out blank…so unless there’s a tape floating around that I don’t know about, (which I’d give damn near anything to get my hands on) You’re just gonna have to take my word for it…even the blue power circle on the stage…I hear I burnt a circle in the floor from the pure chi and they had it fixed before anyone knew.

2. It took me this long after that day to have a band that functions and works out.

Check out myspace.com/sarsen814

So without further ado, a reading from the Gospel, according to Luc.

–YHG

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Anyone who was old enough in the nineties to know that the Millcreek Mall was never gonna be the same again when the conversation pits were filled in, was also old enough to remember that for some unknown reason, there were a LOT of tornado warnings in Erie County during that time. The people who filled the pits may have angered the gods. And for an even odder reason I have yet to figure out, I’ve always been absolutely terrified of tornadoes. You may think “Come on Luc, who the hell isn’t?” and to that I ask YOU:

Did you stash your most prized possessions under the steps when you were seven because the sky got dark at three in the afternoon? How about jumping in the bathtub at mere the issuance of a tornado watch when you were eleven? I used to be that scared, I’m more intrigued now more than anything else, but Coons called it, I was astraphobic.

I’m not sure where it came from. It could be from how I first learned what one was. I lived in a trailer park in Lake City on May 31, 1985. I remember how purple the TV screen was, how black the sky was and how awful the voice sounded (and still does) when the NWS was giving instructions on what to do if a “tomato was coming toward you” I freaked and asked my stepdad why a tomato was attacking Albion. He corrected me and told me what they were and what they did.

“Tom? How far is it from here to Albion?”

“10 miles”

“is it headed this way?”

“I don’t know”

I wasn’t traumatized by anything he said but I DO remember it clearly.

So lets talk about a certain phone call…..

I was minding my own dammed business watching the storms on the weather channel, because it was BAD out. The grass was HORIZONTAL in the yard from the wind. There was a spinner watch and I was already nerved up.

I wanna take a second to say that I don’t remember exact details from this night. But I remember the call. I don’t remember running down the street, but I do remember saying to myself: “Why would Coons go to such great lengths just to do this?”

Because he’s a damn genius.

I used to be VERY outward and nutty consistently, but somewhere in 1996, his became more consistent and mine started to come and go as it pleases.

As I heard the well-done audio of his house being blown clear to Oz, I noticed there was nothing on the TV about it, but being a master of “what if?” thinking and scaring the crap out of myself was, and sometimes still is, commonplace (and even worse if someone nudges me), I thought that maybe the NWS just didn’t see it yet and put up a warning. At that point I blacked out and I remember nothing.

Way to go for the throat.

I envision a new Star Trek series entitled Klingons: The IT Crowd which follows the exploits of the IT department of a Klingon starship. Always getting their achievements ignored, they spend their time playing board games and asking if the problem was solved by turning the device off and on again.

For exmaple, as a prank, the IT crew modifies the transporter to make a warriors head materialize backwards. His compatriate, ever the typical Klingon idiot, tries to twist it back to its correct position thus breaking his neck and killing him. Hilarity ensues.

That leaves two series to vi for the spot of Second Best Trek of All Time. In this corner, wearing the blue shorts is Start Trek : Deep Space 9. In the opposite corner sporting red shorts is Star Trek : Voyager.

I would posit that DS9 is the closest to that Star Trek has come to being ‘real’ and being source of significant Socio-Political commentary. DS9 was the first Trek series to really explore multi-episode, multi-season storylines, and develop characters as flawed, realistic people. Voyager on the other hand, is just a poor-man’s TNG, where everything is black and white, the bad guys are always ugly, and all endings are of the good guys leaving unequivocally triumphant.

Benjamin Sisko is a far deeper character than Kathryn Janeway. The Bajorans hail Sisko as the Emissary of the Prophets, an exalted religious status that he rejects in the beginning and only grudgingly tolerates even at the serie’s close. He is forced to make tough choices where there is no moral high ground, and is not necessarily sure if the decision was the best one. Janeway’s only interesting character trait is that she goes crazy over the course of the series, she doesn’t accept that she must make difficult decisions, she loses her mind instead. And then we have what is now termed Janeway Syndrome:

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Not only is it annoying, but even today, it’s impossible for someone to be an expert in any more than a couple of fields. This cliche is named in honour of Captain Janeway, a scientific genius so immense that she seemed to know more about every field of 24th century science than the most brilliant of her senior staff. Where did she find time to study all of these things in between her officer training classes? Well, she didn’t, because it’s COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS![1]

Let us move on to the characters. DS9 created many new original characters, wheras Voyager’s crew was primarily a retread of past archetypes. In the sense of being an outsider trying to understand the human condition, 7 of 9 is simply Data with breasts, as is The Doctor ( the Data part, not the breasts part ). The logical side of Data has been turned into a one dimensional character by Tuvok. Tom Paris is the most watered down bad-boy that Trek has ever seen. Chakotay is a faux-Native American whose one piece of heritage is an electronic device used to cause hallutionations ( far more spritiual and tv-friendly than payoti ). Kes is merely another Troi, and Neelix is the Jar-Jar Binx of Trekdom.

Deep Space 9 has a cast of characters that, while not always the peak of originality, are at least somewhat complex. Kira Nerys and Jadzia Dax are by far the most bad-ass female Trek has ever seen. One was a freedom fighter, watching commrads die left and right. The other was perfectly at home drinking Blood-Wine with Klingons and going on quests of revenge. I will admit that Odo was yet another character used as a sounding board for exploring the human condition, but at least he was a bit different and tightly woven into many story-arcs. Miles O’Brien, while imported from TNG, was turned into a fully dimensional character, both likeable and flawed at once, and involved in perhaps the only realistic portrayal of racisism throughout the Trek universe. Speaking of imports, Worf, need I say more? And though I admit that Quark and Rom perhaps started off with a overly strong flavor of comic relief, by the end of the series they were also multi-dimensional characters with traits both flawed and honerable. Garek is a fantastically written character who is mysterious and engaging to the very end. For example:

Garak: Why is it no-one ever believes me, even when I’m telling the truth?
Julian: Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf?
Garak: No!
Julian:”It’s a children’s story. A young shepard gets loney while tending his flock. He cries ‘Wolf!’ and the townspeople come rushing to his aid. When they discover there is no wolf, he claims he scared the wolf off, and they congratulate him for his bravery.
Garak: What a clever boy!
Julian: There’s more. The boy did the same thing the next day, and the day after, and the day after. And on the next day, when a wolf really did come, the townspeople didn’t come. They’d gotten tired of his lying. The wolf ate all the sheep and the little boy.
Garak: Isn’t that a bit gruesome for a children’s story?
Julian:”The moral is that if you lie all the time, people won’t believe you even if you’re telling the truth.
Garak: Are you sure that’s the moral?
Julian: Of course. What else could it be?
Garak: Never tell the same lie twice.

Another issues I have with Voyager is the insane use of technology. This group of misfits have seemed to advance technology at a faster rate than the rest of the galaxy combined. Practically every episode has the crew inventing some new technology to overcome whatever obstacle is before them. Deep Space 9 takes place on an abandoned Cardassian ore-processing station converted for use by the Federation. Everything is old and broken, and nothing ever works quite right for very long. In contrast, Voyager, an advanced ship with untested technology, lost in space, attacked at every turn without the benefit of a ship-yard for repairs is seems to be in good-as-new condition at the beginning of every episode. Even worse is that somehow, over the course of the series Voyager is magically able to fire many more torpedoes than it started out with. Paralleling that is the fact that the ship is able to lose runabout after runabout without every exhausting its supply.

In the end, while Voyager has very little to say, Deep Space 9 tells us that not all is a perfect utopia in the Federation, that there isn’t always a right choice and a wrong choice, that not every problem can be solved in 45 minutes. I will leave you with this:

Quark: I want you to try something. It’s an Earth drink. Root beer.
Garak: I couldn’t…
Quark: Go on.
Garak: It’s vile!
Quark: It’s so happy and bubbly and cloy.
Garak: Just like the Federation.
Quark: You know what’s worse? If you drink enough of it, you start to like it.
Garak: It’s insidious.
Quark: Just like the Federation.