Samara (my dog) has been lighting up the living room all night. Fuck her. My dog’s farts smells like rotten asshole, singed taint-hair….or possibly a combination of both. A Samara fart is best described as “a wind tunnel of poo breath.”

The nastiest thing about it, is when you smell it….. your brain immediately provides a picture of what the corresponding turd would look like (and it’s not pretty).

I can go on record to say that I love my dog as much as (if not more than) family. Yet, this doesn’t excuse her wretchedness.

Before you call me a hypocrite, I will concede that its karma for all the stank-ass shenanigans i’ve put out there all these years: Friend humiliation, pants-shitting, more pants-shitting, and disgruntled wife. All due to my years of tickling my sense of humor at the expense of others. I even have two hemorrhoids that bother the shit out of me (pun), and its all from pushing too hard to exhale the vile.

I can remember being very young, and I swallowed over half of a Flinstones vitamin bottle. My mom was crying as she whisked me away to the ER. The doctor reassured her that I would just have “a little gas”. Apparently this is my curse.