Lately, I’ve noticed that a celebrity dies about as often as I change my underpants, because I’m a guy, and I wear my underpants for a couple days at a time, provided I have good air circulation. Kilts FTW.
The whole media is taking its final pot shots at Michael Jackson, who’s been a bottomless pit full of comedy ever since the “Black and White” video premiere. I remember it well. Afterward, my dad stood up and said:
“When he started sleepin’ in scuba gear, I knew it was over,” said my dad, lighting a cigarette. “I mean look at him!” he shouts using the cigarette as a pointer. “He’s actually pretty… in a ‘hideous vampire’ kind of a way…”
That’s why I don’t care if MJ is dead. The Michael Jackson we knew has been dead for some time. Ever notice that all the tributes to him use clips from Thriller? Wonder why? Because even fans are ashamed of him.
That’s why this article isn’t about him, it’s about Billy Mays, because he was 1) awesome, 2) a decent family man, and 3) not a washed-up burned-out homosexual pedophile manchild.
A lot of people loved Billy Mays, and a lot of people though he was a loud asshole. But there is an agreement between us all. Those who loved Billy Mays loved him because he was a loud asshole. He knew it too. Billy Mays knew he was loved, and he knew he was a loud asshole.
From Wikipedia:
Mays was found dead by his wife in his Tampa, Florida home on June 28, 2009.[2][1][14] The Associated Press reported that there were no indications that the house had been broken into, and that police did not suspect foul play.[14]
According to Fox News, Mays had been aboard a US Airways flight that blew out its front tires as it landed at Tampa International Airport on June 27, the day before his death. None of the 138 passengers and five crew members were reported to be seriously injured immediately following the incident, but several passengers reported having bumps and bruises from falling objects.[2] Mays told the local Tampa TV station that some of the objects “hit me on the head, but I got a hard head.”[14] It is unclear whether Mays’ death was related to the incident.
I’m going to with the obvious conclusion that it’s all an intricate scheme propagated by Offer Shlomi, a.k.a. Vince Offer, the ShamWow Guy. He SlapChop’d the tires. Billy once made Offer an offer which he refused for fear of being p’z0n’d:
Offer then killed Mays to save face, and to dominate the late-night infomercial landscape. Offer has the motive, has demonstrated his mean streak before, and was a Scientologist, and therefore, devoid of all morality.
Don’t let him win. Buy ZorbEEZ instead.
