Tag Archive | "music"

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On Michelle Bachmann.

Posted on 22 August 2011 by Yellow Hat Guy

This post is a collaboration between Mike Brownstein of Politics and Pucks and myself. I’ve been staying on Mike’s couch the last couple of days.

The night was growing old. Mike was playing Return to Dark Castle; I was going on Wiki-walks. We were chatting politics, as we generally do, usually about the crazy Republicans and their horrid pasts. Michelle Bachmann popped up into the conversation, like she does.

So, we wiki’d her, and saw that Michelle Bachmann has been a keynote speaker for “You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International,” which is apparently the Christian Spinal Tap. You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International, or YCRBYCHI (no, seriously) is a ministry that goes into high schools and attempts to reaffirm “disappearing” Judeo-Christian values via the Christian rapcore/nu-metal band Junkyard Prophet. We could, and probably ought to write about them, but it’s a lot more effective to let them damn themselves by talking to you:

Junkyard Prophet (previously known as Reign of Kings) is the crux of their ministry and their primary media outler. Their leader, drummer, Bradlee Dean, is a de facto Tea Party advocate, with a “degree” from the Institute on the Constitution. He also has put together a movie entitled My War, which is apparently a documentary about many different facets of society as seen from Dean’s perspective. Fortunately, their ministry appears to have been contained to the Phantom Zone of reason which is the Midwest, and the deep South. Presumably the international part implies and only refers to the occasional jaunt into Canada, much like Erie International Airport.

You might also have noticed around 2:33 in the video, that this ministry is located in Real America, meaning Anandale, MN. Their headquarters is a storefront, next to the Pizza Works & Deli, across the street from a bowling alley, and around the corner from a Snooty Fox Adult store. So this neighborhood is surely one to be saved. Not to mention this is actually located within Rep. Bachmann’s Congressional District.

By their own running tally, they’ve performed 331 of their high school assemblies. This is one of their singles, “Betta Beware”

If this is truly their message, they should avoid the following:

-        Sean Hannity

-        Glenn Beck (actually, everyone should, in an abstract, general sense)

-        Fox & Friends

-        Infowars

-        Alex Jones

Because this group cannot heed their great advice, they have engaged the media. by recently, suing Rachel Maddow for defamation. The funny part is that the defamation suit can’t actually point out an act of defamation. You see, when there’s public information, and someone uses said public information negatively towards you, while citing it — that’s not “defamation” — that’s “news.” If Maddow claimed that YCRBYCH kills thousands of newborn children each day with their legions of invisible pink unicorns with laser-beam horns, that would be defamation*.

Bradlee Dean has been a guest on Alex Jones’ Infowars, and others shows that wish to support this right-wing patriot, who is trying to save America from its doom by endorsing the genocide of the LGBT community, noting that:

Our position is not libertarian because we cannot accept the idea that sex is a private language. But we are not authoritarian because we do not believe that persecution is going help homosexuals.

Okay, so that is kind of hateful towards GBLT individuals, but that’s not all!

Bradlee Dean is also a regular contributor of “Sons of Liberty,” an AM talk radio call-in show advocating a world where America is to defend itself from other governments to prevent the creation the New World Order.

So if these guys are using the media to put out their message, we figured that we might as well see what they have done on-line as well. To do this, Mike suggested using Klout scores**. Bradlee Dean has a klout score of 46, which, after some goofing around, was determined to be equal to the early-90’s monstrous balladeers, Nelson. Ryan still listens to some of their singles, even though he holds them accountable for the fall of hair metal.

Really? I score better than Nelson — I mean, c’mon!” said  Mike, incredulous.

We kind of lost track of things for a while, wondering where they laid on the scale of influence. Then, we went one step further and compiled our findings into a table. We were kinda in the zone.




Lady Gaga

Mother Monster


Barack Obama

President of the United States


Charlie Sheen



Chris Jericho

Nine-time WWE Intercontinental Champion


Boy George

Solo artist; former lead singer of the Culture Club


David Hasselhoff

Actor, singer, and übermensch


PZ Meyers

Noted cephalopod researcher and blogger


Michelle Bachmann

Patron saint of lost causes


Pee-Wee Herman

Legendary wicked-awesome children’s show host


The Red Scare Bot

Automated demagogue scaremonger


Debbie Gibson

Singer and Actress


Amy Fisher

Murderous porn star


Mike Brownstein

Political scholar and ice hockey enthusiast


Sylvia Browne

Spiritualist author and known felon



Writers of the world’s most monstrous ballads


Ryan Coons,
a/k/a Yellow Hatguy

Experimental physicist, nuclear engineer, and hack writer


Bradlee Dean

“Real American Hero”



Bizzaro World’s version of Reddit


The Westinghouse AP1000
Nuclear Reactor

Passively-safe Generation III+ pressurized water reactor


Junkyard Prophet

Christian rapcore/nu-metal band


Ally Sheedy

Impossible, perfect standard by which all women are judged.


Darren Italiani

Middle school math teacher who teaches karate on the side.


Dale Bozzio

Lead singer for Missing Persons


The point is, Michelle Bachmann is running for President of the United States. She has crazy friends, and that these skeletons will come out since she’s kind of out in the open. The fact she has not even made a press announcement about how she is going to distance herself is not surprising and should be taken as a note of merit for her background. Her silence speaks volumes. She endorses this behavior. She wants your kids to be subject to this during school hours — instead of learning science, math, art, music, or metal shop. These are the tomorrows she will create all over this great land. We must stop her, because metal shop was awesome.

* Unless Maddow thought it to be true to the best of her knowledge after careful research.

** The Klout score is a poor metric, but Mike didn’t tell me until afterward, as I was having to much fun.

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On Techno.

Posted on 24 July 2011 by Yellow Hat Guy

Why has no one ever electrified the accordion? You could make oootz-oompah, or “Ootzpa.” If Folkno ever become as real thing, for whatever reason, Wikipedia better cite this page.

Just sayin’.

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On Improbable Music.

Posted on 29 May 2011 by Yellow Hat Guy

Back in high school, It was a dream of mine to make the electric ukulele, preferably modeled after the Gibson Flying-V. But I dragged my feet, and missed an opportunity. However, while hanging out with my buddy Metal Jesus one Friday, we came to a revelation. I had the right idea, but I went the wrong direction. I needed to take it the other way.

Rather than make an electric ukulele, I needed to invent the acoustic keytar, then let Thomas Dolby borrow it to record an unplugged album.

“That’s physically impossible to build,” said the attractive girl at the bar who I was explaining this to a day later.

“No its not! It’d be exactly like an autoharp!” I replied.

She realized that I was right, and broke, body and soul.

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Sympathy for the Grinch

Posted on 04 December 2009 by Yellow Hat Guy

I can’t bad for the Whos, and I’m glad they get robbed. Yeah, I said it. Because I too, have been driven to madness by all the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise!

The problem with X-Mas music, is that very rarely, is it sung or performed by actual musicians. People play X-Mas music because its X-Mas, and not for any artistic merit that it may have. The record labels know that, and will mint a metric fuck-ton of CD’s every year of whatever scuzz they could scrape from soup kitchens and plasma centers to sing the same damn songs, over and over, because they know people will buy those discs without ever looking at them.

I remember back when I was at Miami, there was this one radio station that would switch to all all-X-Mas 24/7 format on November 1, and stay that way until January 1. That’s 16.71% of a goddamn year. I shared an office with this one chick who kept her radio on, and tuned to that station, even when she wasn’t there.

Because of this, I wanted to stab people in the face, all day, every day. After class, to prevent face-stabbing, and its legal repercussions, I would leave immediately, with a note on the door reading “Office hours have been canceled due to incessant X-Mas music.”

I asked her to please stop, but I was only met with the “You’re a Grinch who hates Christmas,” which would lead into the “you’re with us or against us” rhetoric that was popular at the time. If I wanted to hear that crap, I just would have hung out with out delusional neo-con department chair.

The only reprieve came from Bruce Springsteen and his E Street Band. Only the Boss knew X-Mas. Well, the Boss and Bowie.

Then I went home. My sister replaced her text-message ring tone with the Whos singing their Whoville song. So anytime she recieved a text, at maximum volume, her phone would blast:

“Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays… Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays…”

Ten seconds later:

“Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays… Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays…”

Ten seconds after that:

“Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays… Fah-hoo-door-heys Dah-hoo-boor-hays…”

This repeats until I go to karate, go to a bar, or leave to start the Spring semester. Sometimes she’ll take a nap on the other side of the house and just leave her phone on, so it just keeps going off until she answers it in a few hours, or until I snap and pull the battery in a few minutes.

Also, around 2000, for reasons known only to her — and in spite of all evidence, which only points to the contrary — my mom became suddenly and irrevocably convinced that Yoko Ono was the single best thing that ever happened to music.

Yes, you read that correctly.

My mom bought one of those cassette tapes of butt-ass horrible X-Mas music explicitly for “Happy Xmas (War Is Over),” and nothing else. My mom would play it as we came into the dining room for our Christmas Eve dinner, and when it ended, she would get up, go into the other room, rewind the tape, play it again, sit back down, and get up three minutes and thirty-seven seconds later to do it again.

After the fifth time, I dropped my fork.

“I can’t do this. I refuse to be part of a family which enjoys the music of Yoko Ono.”

“Oh come on, Ryan, why not?” said my mom.

“Because that malignant cunt broke up the Beatles!”

“Don’t use that word!” said my mom.

“Sorry. That vorpal cunt broke up the Beatles!”

My dad wanted to be mad, but couldn’t because he knew I was right. He used “Rocky Raccoon” as his CB handle back in the 70’s, and was the one who turned me onto the Beatles, and taught me the importance of hating Yoko Ono. The soundtrack of my high school years drew largely from Sgt. Pepper’s, so we were both offended, just I was more vocal about it.

All these stories went on in tandem, and became annual traditions, like the January 8th Party, Mouthpiece Cleaning Day, or Indiscriminate Thursday. So once X-Mas degraded into Post-Halloween Psychological Torture Season, it became pretty easy to hate X-Mas. It became hard not too.

Fortunately, I no longer feel this way. Apparently, the rest of the universe must have felt as I did, because the then-novel Trans-Siberian Orchestra quickly became mainstream, and an annual favorite. On top of that, other artists followed suit, and began to produce much-needed unshitty X-Mas music. My sense of hope in mankind was momentarily restored in 2006 when it was announced that Billy Idol released a X-Mas album.

The only thing better than news of a Billy Idol X-Mas CD was Mike’s reaction to it. It went a little something like this:


Do you want to know what the real dicked up part about the Billy Idol X-Mas album is? Your grandma will love it. No, seriously:

I thought that was the non plus ultra of holiday-themed awesome. I thought wrong. A year later,  We Wish You a Metal Xmas…and a Headbanging New Year was released, featuring every single type of awesome. No, seriously it has:

  • Ronnie James Dio and Vinny Appice (Dio; Black Sabbath)
  • Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath)
  • Lemmy (Motörhead),
  • Dave Grohl (Nirvana; Foo Fighters)
  • Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top)
  • Geoff Tate (Queensrÿche)
  • George Lynch (Dokken)
  • Jeff Scott Soto (Yngwie Malmsteen; Journey)
  • Chris Wyse (The Cult)
  • Ray Luzier (Army of Anyone; Korn)
  • John 5 (Marilyn Manson; Rob Zombie)
  • Rudy Sarzo (Quiet Riot; Ozzy Osbourne; Whitesnake; Dio; Blue Öyster Cult)
  • Scott Ian (Anthrax)
  • Bruce Howard Kulick (Grand Funk Railroad; KISS)
  • Carlos Cavazo (Quiet Riot)
  • James “JLo” LoMenzo (Megadeth)
  • Simon Phillips (The Who; Big Country; Toto; Asia; Pete Townshend; Jeff Beck)
  • Tim “Ripper” Owens (Judas Priest)
  • Steven J. Morse (Deep Purple)
  • Tracii Guns (L.A. Guns; Guns ‘N’ Roses)
  • Steve “Luke” Lukather (Toto)
  • Joe Lynn Turner (Yngwie Malmsteen)
  • Tommy Shaw (Styx; Damn Yankees)
  • Kenny Aronoff (Cinderella, Bon Jovi, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Smashing Pumpkins)
  • John Tempesta (White Zombie)
  • Stephen Pearcy (Ratt)
  • …and Alice Cooper

I mean, listen to this shit! It’s perfect!

If there’s one thing which Christian holy days need more of, it’s Black Sabbath.

(Yes, I know that Toto is totally not metal, but I don’t care. Toto IV is a great album.)

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Oooo, It’s the Final Countdown

Posted on 05 July 2009 by Yellow Hat Guy

Apparently this past weekend was final time Casey Kasem broadcast his Top 20 Countdown.  This is the end of an era; it really meant a lot to me.

In 1995, finding some decent 80′s music on Erie radio was an exercise in futility. Those bastard DJ’s wouldn’t even consider my requests:

“What? There is NO WAY that I will play ‘Tainted Love’ by Soft Cell! OH MY GOD! That song is SOOOOOOO lame! You wanna hear ‘Boom Boom Boom’ by The Outhere Brothers instead.”


I couldn’t listen to the music I wanted too, since no one would play it, and I was strapped for cash. So after enough denial of the 80′s cheese that I so desperately needed, I hatched a brilliant scheme to get my songs played. I would sit around and write sob stories, and then I would send them in to Casey Kasem as “Requests and Dedications.” I sifted through my archives and found a few. They went something like this:

“I’m Casey Kasem. Well now we’re up to our request and dedication. It’s about friendship. It comes to us from Trixie, who writes:

Dear Casey,

I’m a seventeen-year-old girl living in Pennsylvania.  All my life I felt lonely and awkward.  It seemed that I always felt like nobody was there for me.  That was until one day, when I met Alex.  Alex was cute, charming, smart and witty.  No matter how bad things got, he could always brighten my day with a joke, and he helped me get though the toughest moments.  One day when I was at his house, we were listening to the radio, when I told him my true feelings.  He told me that he had a crush on me for years, but was to shy to say anything.  We both agreed that “This will always be our song.”  We were in love and were to be engaged as soon as I graduated from college.

That was until he was killed in an automobile accident last year.  When Jessica, my best friend since Kindergarten, told me that he was dead, I just couldn’t believe it.  How could it have happened?  How could somebody so wonderful be dead?  There isn’t one day that passes that I don’t think of my beloved Alex.

Casey, could you please play “Wishing,” by A Flock of Seagulls for my late friend Alex?  It was our song.  Oh, and Alex, if your out there listening, I just want you to know, that I love you.



Trixie, Here is your request, and dedication.”

What? You honestly thought those people were real? A few weeks later they played this one too (its my favorite):

Dear Casey,

I am writing this letter today to tell the world about the woman, who I had loved so dear.  Linda was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.  She was funny and outgoing but also kind and gentle.  During our junior prom, her boyfriend left without her so that he could attend a wild party.  She was distraught by his callous action, but I managed to calm her down and give her a ride home.  Soon after that, Linda and I became the best of friends, a friendship that grew — into love.

Linda and I did everything together. We’d spend hours after school talking about nothing at all.  I cherished every moment I spent with her.  I would learn to cherish it even more after what was yet to come.  You see, about a year ago, she was diagnosed with melanoma.

When we found out, we cried for hours, but soon found out that we had to make the most of the little time we had on this world to spend together.  And as she fought the cancer that was slowly eating her life away, I was there to support her, every step of the way.

That was up until last month, when cancer claimed another life, and I lost my beloved Linda.

Casey, there isn’t one moment of one single day that I don’t think of Linda.  So could you please play “Look of Love,” by ABC, for Linda?  I want her to know that even though she has passed on, I shall always love her.



Adam, Here is your request, and dedication.”

Writing fake letters got old after a couple of months, so I found a new hobby – submitting false information to “Unsolved Mysteries.” I would just walk up to a payphone and dial their 1-800 number:

“Unsolved Mysteries.”

“I saw Jessica in Toledo last week boarding a Greyhound bus,” I’d say, then I’d quickly hang up and scurry away. I couldn’t wait for “Unsolved Mysteries” to come on, and I would tingle with anticipation until Robert Stack got to my story:

“Update! Sheriff’s deputies have stopped dredging the Florida Everglades for the body of Jessica Johnston, because there is a chance that she is still alive. Thanks to an anonymous tip from one of our viewers, Jessica was reported as boarded a Greyhound bus in Toledo, Ohio and traveling to some unknown destination.

Jessica Johnston was reported as being a dark haired female between five and six feet tall. She may be suffering from amnesia, and may fervently deny that she is Jessica Johnston. If you see anyone who matches this description, call your local law enforcement agency, the FBI, or our toll free hotline, 1-800-876-5353.

Life was so boring before the internet, you have no idea…

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