I didn’t think yesterday was going to be epic, oh, but it was.
I went to work and plotted some points, and managed to leave work such that the rain started right when I opened the door to my building, and made dinner such that I was done right when the tornadoes started. After that, I read some journals, and washed the dishes, and read more journals. And then, right around midnight, Mike Brownstein left a post on my Facebook. A link to a one-line news article that said that “Touchdown Jesus” off of I-75, was on fire.
Then, like that, I grabbed the ol’ SuperFunAdventureCodex, and crossed one more item off my list.
A transcript of the list is given below. (The items are listed in order of importance.)
Things I’d Like to See:
- Christopher Walken performing a spoken-word version of David Bowie’s “Heroes”
- Ally Sheedy naked
- Jesus Christ on fire
- solid room-temperature superconductors
- Nuclear power renaissance
- identity of “Deep Throat” revealed
- functioning and economical EUV lithography system
- destruction of the Roman Catholic Church
- a cure for diabetes
- Labyrinth II
- electric cars gaining widespread popularity
- the Kurzweilian Singularity
- the domestication of the Komodo Dragon
- old-school breakdancing making a comeback
- the identity of who killed Laura Palmer
- Sarah Palin running for office again, so we can continue to make fun of her.
- Dolph Lundgren fighting Jet Li
- Reliable jetpacks
- Gene Hackman in drag
- Concise, coherent, and preferably closed-form solution to the Problem of Evil
- Collapse of the Kim Family Regime
- Passage of the ERA
- Passage of a amendment to legalize same-sex marriage
- Men everywhere wearing fedoras and flat caps at all times, like they did in the 1920’s
- Freddy Kruger fighting Jason Voorhees
- all my friends living happy and fulfilling lives
- repeal of fireworks laws
- to see BP go under
For those of who have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, a little backstory.
Shortly after I moved to Ohio to start grad school, right around the time the neo-cons and Christo-fascists went mad with power, the Solid Rock Church spent $500,000 to build “King of Kings,” a 62 foot bust of Jesus Christ facing I-75. The statue was ostensibly to help people by serving as “a beacon of hope and salvation,” but in practice, the colossal eyesore merely served as a navigational marker to lead people to the flea market. Within minutes of its dedication, the people of the greater Cincinnati area rechristened the statue “Touchdown Jesus,” for obvious reasons.
Well, last night, Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning by the same thunderstorm that not-killed me with tornadoes, cloud-to-ground lightning, and baseball-sized hail, proving once again that Yahweh is some linear combination of retarded, incompetent, and/or drunk.
Also, their was apparently the Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was completely undamaged, signifying that Larry Flynt is truly favored by the Lord.
Also, apparently statues can catch fire.
That kinda threw me for a loop, for we tried to set literally everything in the universe on fire back in Boy Scouts. Then I found out Touchdown Jesus was made of styrofoam, and everything made sense. It was a giant metal frame, next to pond, covered in styrofoam with a fiberglass skin. Apparently it had a lightning rod, but it didn’t work. I’d like to take this time to point out that lightning rods are a proven technology and have no moving parts.
The comments for that YouTube video are priceless, by the way. I could say more about this, but I’m going to let Percy Shelley take over from here:
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.